Barth quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

So you want to eat horse eh, Burna? You've come to the right place.

[Appearing behind the kitchen] Duuuuhhhh, I heard that.

I'll have the four dollar turkey surprise.

Ah, coming up. (He hands her a grilled cheese sandwich.) Four dollar turkey surprise.

This is a grilled cheese sandwich. There's no turkey in a grilled cheese sandwich.

Surprise... turkey.

Doug, did you know that ol' Barth has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?

Why would anyone give Barthy a contract?

Oh, that's easy. You see, when the producers want to make the commercial about stomach pains, ol' Barth provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.

Dah, I heard that! Pays good, too.

I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!

Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.

D'oh, I heard that!

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

[As Moses, carving the commandments] Ah, Lord?

Yes, Moses?

I'm a little hungry. Could I have something to eat?

Have this manna, Moses. [A couple of burgers fall down.] Bon appetit.

Thank you, Lord. [He takes a bite out of one] This manna's gross, Lord! Where'd you get it?

By a manna merchant named Bartholomew.

Perhaps you can include it as one of the Seven Plagues of the Pharaoh, Lord.

Duuuuhhhh, I heard thee!

Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!

Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!

Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...

Mother, not in front of my friends!...

Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!

Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.

D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?

(angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!