“Families” quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

"The Partridge Family Gets Shot" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present the following family feud.

You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Yeah, but I have to respect him. You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

You-- (She gets hit with water) Wait a second! Wait a second, that is not fair! He said "water", not me! (She gets hit with water again)

Christine, I know it seems unfair, but if get this kid wet, his mother will kill me.

Will she? (She tries to flick some of the water on Jeff)

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Well, how come you never make any fun about Lisa's weight?

Well, you see, Alasdair, Lisa and I have this deal.

Yeah?

Yeah. If I don't make any jokes about her weight, she won't sit on me.