Lisa quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

Well, remember last year at summer camp?

Do I! The hard beds and those cruel counselors and all the black flies and all the mosquito bites that we got.

Right. So Mom said I can't go if can't stop wetting the bed. So...

I love alphabet soup.

Hey, look, the letters in your soup are coming together.

You're right!

What does it spell?

I...

"I do"? "I don't"?

"I don't know." [Lisa gets slimed]

Oh, Lisa, you don't know how much time it took me to orchestrate those noodles so that they would-- (laughs) It was worth it. Drink some Kool-Aid. You'll feel much better.

Attention. Can anyone tell me what the three B's [underlines a "B" on the chalkboard] are? [Brodie raises his hand] Brodie?

The Boss, The Beatles, and The Beach Boys.

No, it's Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, and the B-52s.

No, no, how classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.

Wrong. You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone, and the queen bee. This is a science class, you forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds. [The kids begin humming in unison]

Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Alright! I collect insects!

I collect coins.

(surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

You know, Christine, I was thinking...

That's odd.

Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?

Oh no you don't!

Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!

Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--

Doctor, you've got to help me.

What seems to be the problem, Lisa?

I'm different from everybody else.

You can say that again.

I'm different from everybody else. You see, I've got parts that other people don't have and they've got parts that I don't have.

When did you first notice this?

After gym class, when I was changing.

Well, this'll very easy to fix. I'm gonna write a prescription.

For medicine?

No, it's for your English teacher to teach you how to read. You've been going into the boys' locker room. Oh, that's fifty dollars, please.

Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...

Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...

...Please touch the green square now!

Oh please, oh please, oh...

Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!

[Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!

[Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.

Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.

Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?

And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...

...green square on your screen!

Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!

And now it's time for the commercials!

What's your ambition in life?

To grow up big and strong.

Oh, you mean like me?

No!

Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.

Oh, Lisa?

Yes, Moosie?

Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

Why, yes it was.

What went wrong?

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

Why, what were you wearing?

Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

Oh, well that explains it, then.

Explains what?

Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

Oh, Christine?

Yes, Lisa?

Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.

I thought so.

What do you mean?

All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

It was nothing.

Almost!

You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.

Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

Yeah, but you're not Jewish.

I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]