Lisa quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Christine?

I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Lisa?

[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

Hey, Lisa.

Yeah, Moosie?

Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?

(laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)

I, uh, get my revenge.

Eugene, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

I wanna be a vet and take care of sick dogs.

Well, here's your chance to practice. Here comes Christine!

Here, Christine, want a cookie?

Thank you, Lisa. I guess this means you don't think I'm too fat-- don't answer that. [She takes a bite.] These are really good.

I thought you'd like them. They were dog biscuits left over from the previous sketch.

Christine, I think you're taking a modeling class?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, have they taught you how to walk?

Oh, yeah, they did. First lesson.

Could I see?

Okay. [She does a quick walk.] But why did you want me to see me walk?

Well, I thought since we were on the subject of walking dogs, you could show us how they do it.

(laughs wildly) Watch it, Ruddy.

Dad? Where did the house go?

Oh, well, Lisa, I told you it would happen and it finally did.

What finally happened?

Your dog. She ate us out of house and home.

Moose, you promised you would go on a diet!

There you are, Lisa, make an appointment with my nurse.

What is this?

Your fee.

I can't get it open.

I know. I put it in the same bottle you put my pills in. Bye! [leaves]

[still trying to get bottle open] Why you...

LISA!!!!!

What?!

Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.

Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?

No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."

Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!

Exactly.

Lisa, how many times do I have to tell you, dear? It is impolite to interrupt. You must wait your turn.

But when does my turn come?

Here. [He takes a card from a stand on the table.] Take a number.

3,796?!

Yep.

What's your number?

[holding up his card] 2.

So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

[looking at the book of manners] Here's a really strange habit: drooling. Kevin, do you drool?

Well, yeah, all the time.

You drool?

Well, yeah, every time I see a really pretty girl, I drool.

I've never seen you drool.

No, me, neither.

Well, of course not. I said every time I see a pretty girl.

[holding the book up to Kevin's face] Kevin, look closely at that word. [She slams the book in his nose.]

How many times do I have to tell you...

Aw, Mom...

Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!

But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!

"Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Kevin, what does an apple a day keep away?

A doctor.

Right. Very good. Now, Lisa, what does a nine in time save?

Stitches.

Right! Now we are getting somewhere. What can we conclude from all this?

I know. If Luke would only get to school every day on time and stop throwing apples at your car, well then, he wouldn't need the doctor or the stitches.

You know, Moose, some for generations, newspaper men have been fighting for freedom of the press, it's one of their inalienable rights. You know, some newspaper men have gone to prison fighting for that very purpose, but I still have one question.

What's that, Lisa?

Well, if journalists want free press, how come I still have to pay 35 cents for a newspaper?

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

So, Lisa, tell me. Did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

I sure did, and Moose, the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

Really? That's nice. What made you think of me?

Well, you know, you and the Grand Canyon are so much alike: Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very, very wide at the bottom.

It was funny!

You know, Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

Yeah.

Well, you remind me of the Colorado River, that's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

Oh, you mean I'm lyrical and romantic?

No, you're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever!