Lisa quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Aw Mom, she just got here!

Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

All right. Dad?

Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Can we come over to play?

Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Bye Mom!

Bye dear.

Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

[holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Hey, Adam?

Yes, Christine?

Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Are you finished?!!

Hey, Lisa?

What?!

Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

...Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

LISA!!!

Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

All right, one more point and fifty free games!

BLIP!!

Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.

A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!

What can I do? It's the weather!

I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.

But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.

We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?

Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".

Why?

Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.

Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?

You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.

And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

There has got to be a way to cool off.

(thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Good idea! okay.

Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

I don't know, I guess you're right.

Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

Hi, and welcome to today's episode of You Can't Do That on Television, about a subject that's heartwarming, soul-stirring, and guaranteed to set your pulse racing.

Oh, it's about the latest fashions, nice!

No, Lisa, it's about romance and dating.

Oh, no, it's going to be mushy, isn't it?

Christine, romance makes the world go round.

Yeah, so does centrifugal force.

Christine, I could wring your stupid neck.

What are you girls fighting about, anyway?

You'll never guess what she did at lunch yesterday.

She took her milk [pours a milk carton down Alasdair's shirt] and poured it down my shirt like this.

Oh, big deal! You know what she did? She took her Jell-O and [takes a handful of Jell-O and stuffs it in Alasdair's shirt pocket] first she put in my pocket [squishes the pocket] like that, and then she took some more and [takes another handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt] smooshed in on my shirt like that, and then she smooshed it [takes a thid handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt collar] on my neck!

Well, I was just trying to get even! [grabs a bottle of ketchup] Then you took your ketchup [squirts it on Alasdair's shirt] and squirted it all over me like this!

Lisa... THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON [tears a sleeve off Alasdair's shirt] TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF MY SHIRT!

Now, girls, this is pointless. You have been friends much, much too long to fight. Now, truce?

Come on, now make up. Truce? There.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too. It was my fault.

I can't believe Majorie! She copied all her answers off me!

No!

Yes. But I got even with her. I wrote all the wrong answers down.

Yesterday, I put a frog in Alasdair's bed.

So?

This morning he put a toad in mine and I put a lizard in his.

So?

So take a look at what he did to get even!

Oh, Lisa?

Yes, Moosie?

How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?

I guess I learned by watching other actors.

That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."

Just a second! Now how come everyone else is an animal except me?

Well, Lisa, the production department could have made a mistake because you already look kind of like an animal with those hippo hips of yours.

Hippo hips? Alasdair, that just wasn't very nice.

Lisa, remember, this is the opposites. I'm not supposed to be nice, chipmunk cheeks.

[grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!

The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!

Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.

Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!

I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.

Oh? Well, what was the movie?

Bride of Frankenstein.

Sounds right to me.

LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!