Christine quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

[putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Listen Kevin, you're not getting me to wear a skirt on TV! No way! I won't do it!

Oh? Why, are you afraid that somebody's gonna mistake you for a girl?

Yeah. I mean... [pauses] You little rat!! [chases Kevin off the link set angrily]

Today our hidden camera is... drum roll please... [drum roll sound effects from Kevin Somers] the snow sculptures at Dow's Lake. So get down there and see yourself on TV. Don't leave everything to us! I mean, it's not really fair! Here we are slaving away all day and not a word of thanks from you, and you sit out there and enjoy yourselves! Well, just let me tell ya, I'm not taking this anymore! I'm going home to Mother! [starts to walk away, but the sound of a spring malfunctioning is heard and Christine freezes in place. Ross comes on to investigate]

Uh-oh, uh-oh, looks like the sponge sprocket's gone. I'll have to take this to the workshop, I guess. [picks up the frozen Christine and carries her off set] I told 'em they should've hired Lindsay Wagner!

Cyndi, were you ever in love?

[sighing] Yes, I was once.

Anyone I know? Tim, maybe?

No, not him. He was a frog.

Cyndi, that's no way to speak of our French-Canadian cousins.

Not one of them - a real frog! I raised him from a tadpole.

Is he still alive?

No... I dissected him in a fit of passion.

Gross me out! How could you bring yourself to cut up a frog you've known for years?

Aw, come on, frogs aren't human.

Any more of this, and we will separate!

Hey Moose, I think he likes me!

What makes you say that?

Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!

She's so naive.

So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???

(still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?

Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?

Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?

HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!

No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!

Aw...

Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....

(smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?

(blankly) What last thing?

The Roving Camera! JEEZ!

Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.

Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!

Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!

That's not fair!

Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.

Now that was truly not fair!

[Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?

Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.

What magic words?

The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...

That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

Hey Moose, we Indians gave the white man tobacco and taught him how to smoke.

Well I'm sure your ancestors meant well, Jami, but from what we know now about smoking, I don't think it was such a good idea.

Meant well? You gotta be kidding! We wanted all the white men to die of lung cancer.

Thanks.

No sweat. [grabs Christine around the neck and starts to strangle her]

As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.

It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.

I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.

Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

Waste not. Want not.

Right on.

Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!

Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.

Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?

No, of course not! ... How did you know?

(examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.

Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.

Mike, DON'T!

I gotta! I gotta! Right now!

No! Mike! Ohh!

(shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...

You're disgusting!

Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)

(recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

Christine, do you ever use face cream?

Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.

Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!

Oh, great! Let me have some.

Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."

"Face Cream Pie"...

Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

(interrupting Christine's talk about beauty parlors) Don't I know it, Christine. Like, my mom goes to the beauty parlor twice a week and has this mud cake, it looks really funny, she won't--

Lisa, excuse me for interrupting, but why would she do that?

I don't know!

You knew about this, didn't you, Moosie?

Well, remember that typo in the script that said "Lisa Muddy" instead of "Lisa Ruddy"?

Yes.

That was no typo!

You, know, Moosie, this means war.

I don't why we have to wear these stupid numbers anyway. I mean, what difference does it make who's the most popular kid on the show?

What difference does it make? It makes a lot of difference! For instance, the most popular kid on the show can demand a lot from the producers, like she can ask for her own make-up lady, she can ask for her own dressing room... (realizes something) Think of it, she can ask for her own chauffeur-driven limousine. But most important of all, she can ask for more money and probably get it, and everybody else will get less.

Really?

Yeah, the producers take this audience survey stuff very seriously.

Oh. [Pushes Christine off-camera] I've always said that the audience was the most important part of our show. I mean, without the audience, there wouldn't be a show, now would there? So remember, I've always said that you're the most intelligent, good-looking, and wonderful audience--

He's ever lied to. [Kevin attacks Christine.]