Mike quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

How do you spell "totally ignorant"?

F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L S-C-H-O-L-A-R-S-H-I-P.

Which is more correct to say, "Who are you kidding?" or "Whom are you kidding?"

Well, most people say, "Who are you kidding?" but it's really more correct to say "Whom are you kidding?"

Well, Sarah, I was wondering, um...

Spit it out.

Well, you'll only say no.

Not necessarily.

Yes you will. You'll say no.

Try me.

Promise you won't say no.

Okay, I may regret this, but I promise I won't say no.

Sarah, will you go to the dance with me?

Uh... whom are you kidding? [giggles]

As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.

You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...

Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.

No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.

It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.

It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.

I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.

Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.

Waste not. Want not.

Right on.

Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!

Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.

Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?

No, of course not! ... How did you know?

(examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.

Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.

Mike, DON'T!

I gotta! I gotta! Right now!

No! Mike! Ohh!

(shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...

You're disgusting!

Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)

(recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?

No, sir.

Why not? You know the answers?

No, sir.

Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?

Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.

I never read the newspaper, son.

That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.

That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.

Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.