Christine quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

That last skit is very important. It helps to prove how one can not always believe how surveys say. For all we know, the people at home filling out the ballots may simply be a bunch of uneducated buffoons.

OH, NO, NO! I didn't mean to say that! Oh, who wrote the cue cards?!

That girl just called me an uneducated buffoon. I am not voting for her.

I always thought she was remarkably perceptive.

Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!

...Who dresses like a punk!

...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!

...Who's not a big sissy!

Where do you think you're going?

To do the introduction to the show.

You can't do that on television!

Yeah, that's the show, alright.

Christine, have you ever tried the water diet?

No, what's that-- Oh, you drink all the water you want...

No, you don't exactly drink it.

(realizing something) Oh no...

Christine, the wet look is in. Oh, you got it this time.

Moose, I am getting out of here! This studio is haunted! I just seen three ghosts!

Ross, don't be silly. There's no ghosts in here.

Oh no? What do you call them?

That's just Kevin, Lisa, and Dougie in some latest Paris fashion.

[in a ghostly voice] Noooooooo.

What do you mean, "Noooooooo"? It is you, isn't it, Lisa?

Well, yeah, it is, but it's not the latest fashion from Paris, it's the latest from New York. They call it the Amityville Horror look.

Isn't there any fashion too ridiculous for you guy to wear?

I don't know.

Gotcha.

When I get cleaned up, McGlade, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!

Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)

Well, what is it now?

What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.

It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.

Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?

That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!

Yeah. Forget it, Ross.

Well, it was worth a try.

The things some people will do to make a buck.

I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.

Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?

Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...

Lousy.

Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!

Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!

Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.

Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.

Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.

Sure.

How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.

(looking up) Where do they dump it from?

Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.

Very interesting. Is it always green?

Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,

or blue,

or yellow.

Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!

(also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

Well it usually washes off with water.

Usually.

You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.

Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?

[Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!

Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Vanessa, why do you think makeup is so important on this show?

I don't know.

Makeup! Makeup! Sandy, I need my makeup!

Now you know.

Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Christine?

I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Lisa?

[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

[Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!

Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.

I said I wish I was thinner.

Thinner! And so you shall be!

The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Ross, I hope you're not upset that I was making fun of your age and your, um deficiency.

No, really, I'm not, honestly, Moose. No, I realize now the aging process is really part of life's great fair plan.

Ross, that's really great. I thought you might be kind of mad at me.

No, honestly I'm not. In fact, to show my appreciation, there will be no more green slime today!

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. No green slime today, and you know why?

Okay, no green slime?

Right.

I don't know!

Where are you going?

But we ran out of green slime... just had blue slime.

(sarcastically) You know, you're a real delight, Ross.

Hey, Lisa.

Yeah, Moosie?

Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?

(laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)

I, uh, get my revenge.