Where are you going?
Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Doesn't your soul qualify?
Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
How will that be any different than this?
S2 E21A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
You're hitting on the widow!
No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!
Where's the dead guy?
Jake, show a little respect.
Where's the dead guy sir?
[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
That woman just lost her husband!
Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
So?
So she had to see it coming!
Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
How did he die?
He just got old. His heart stopped.
Oh. His watch is still going.
Yep.
Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!
And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
That's good. Open with a joke.
S2 E22That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Monkeys can't drive a stick.
Alan, where'd the money come from?
I found it.
Alan...
Mom.
You traded your soul for a Porsch?
I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.
The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Well, then go 65.
The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.
Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.
How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
How come?
Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.
[on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.
Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!
S2 E23Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.