[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]
Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Sí.
S2 E23Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Nice, but I can top it.
Go.
It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
We gotta go get Jake.
[after Jake's time with Evelyn]
Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
He broke her.
Chewed her up and spit her out.
It was a beautiful thing.
I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Me, too.
But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
And they shall call him Jake.
S2 E24Does This Smell Funny to You?
When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Uh, well, Judith... you do.
I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?
Got it.
Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan [mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie [also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan [same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie [same mocking voice]: As do I.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
NNorman
No. Have you seen my wife?
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
NNorman
Ditto.
Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Evelyn [to Norman]: Did my son... polish your trophy wife?
[to Berta] Charlie...
[interrupting Alan] Got it.
Get it? How can you get it?
Well, there's a Roles Royce in the drive way, [pull out silk leggings] and I found this hanging on the mailbox, so I'm guessing that your brother has some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy.
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