Two and a Half Men · Season 2
Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
What did you think?
It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
What is that about?
I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?
So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Sherri's picking me up.
Ah! Very convenient.
Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
You do realize I'm straight, right?
[giggling] You really are adorable.
Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Really?
Ironically, not my mother.
She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
With who?
With me.
With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
What do you think of?
You.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
We don't know that.
[Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.
Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.
Jake [to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.
Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.
Excuse me?
You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!
Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.
Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.
Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?
Certainly not Rose.
And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
