Two and a Half Men quotes

Evelyn

Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie

Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn

Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie

What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn

Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan

Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn

You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan

So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake

I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan

You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake

Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie

Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake

Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie

You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

That's a cool car, too, Jake.

Alan

Holy mother of God!

Charlie

No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn

I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie

Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn

Well, if you must know--

Alan

I don't need to know.

Evelyn

Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie

With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn

Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Jake

I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.

Charlie

Wanna bet?

Jake

Why not?

Charlie

Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Charlie

A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.

Alan

That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.

Charlie

Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

Rose

Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.

Charlie

You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?

Rose

That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...

Charlie

Oh, my God!

Rose

What?

Charlie

I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.

Alan

Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Jake

It's not gonna be on the test.

Alan

Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.

Jake

Why would I want to know something I don't have to?

Alan

Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.

Jake

Well, then that's when I'll learn it!

Alan

Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake

'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Berta

Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

Alan

What about this one?

Jake

That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.

Alan

But why don't you do it anyway.

Jake

Cause I don't have to.

Alan

But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.

Jake

But I'm not.

Alan

Do it!

Jake

Why?

Alan

Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.

Jake

I am done, this is extra.

Charlie

I have to tell you something.

Alan

OK.

Charlie

Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan

All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie

You'll understand in a minute.

Alan

Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie

I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Charlie

What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Jake

Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan

I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake

So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan

You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake

It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan

I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie

I was hoping.

Alan

Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie

OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie

OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.