TV show quotes
One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Who's telling the story?!
Continue.
Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
His middle name is Francis.
You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Bucket of Hate.
They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Who?
Yeah.
What?
Band called "Who".
Bucket of Hate.
[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]
[to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?
I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?
I'm not talking to you.
Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]
Would you please just... go to sleep?
Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]
Alan [to Jake]: You and I have some talking to do.
Will you make up your freaking mind?
[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]
Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.
Can I throw up in it?
No.
Then I don't need to see it.
[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]
Where are we going?
You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.
I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?
Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]
Hey, hey, watch your mouth!
Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Hey, leave Jake out of this.
What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
They do not!
"We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"
I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]
Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!
[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]
Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Charlie [singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!
When did you become the king of kids' songs?
When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
