Where's my mother?
She left.
Why?
I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.
S1 E11Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?
Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.
Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.
Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.
I don't need to land anyone in any game.
Fine, I'm here if you need me.
I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?
My soccer coach sings a lot now.
Why?
No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.
Oh, all right.
I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?
Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!
[getting ready to leave] Get your jacket, it's time to go.
[reluctantly] I don't wanna go, I hate clothes shopping!
Well, you can't stay here alone.
Why not??
You know why not.
But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore!
[firmly] Get your jacket.
[annoyed] Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go stupid clothes shopping!
Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.
S1 E12Camel Filters + Pheromones
Berta?
No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]
Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Oh, honey, don't get me started.
What does that mean?
It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
Jake, come here, sit down.
Did I do something wrong?
No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.
[sits down] OK.
Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.
Yeah.
Well you...
You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.
Why?
Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.
Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.
That too.
OK.
[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?
Sure. [Walks out with Judith]
So how was your weekend?
Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
S1 E13Sara Like Puny Alan
All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Why not?
Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!
Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Sure, why not.
OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.
[Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.
I don't care what her name is!
What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!
S1 E14I Can't Afford Hyenas
How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
If you say so. I was never good at math.
Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.
[at the supermarket]
I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?
You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
It's $40,000!
Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera
[Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Thank you Berta.
I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.
Charlie, miscellaneous cash expenses? What exactly is that?
I don't know, go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff like that.
It was $80,000 last year!
Oh, that. That's women and gambling.
Gone and gone.
Oh, great! Why don't I just shoot myself?
You can't afford a gun.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.