FBFemale Bartender
Would you like some more pretzels?
Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.
S3 E10Something Salted and Twisted
Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
But isn't that just a temporary solution.
It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
I like it.
Did I really tell the waiter I loved him?
Well, you had to say something after a kiss like that.
S3 E11Santa's Village of the Damned
You see, Sandy, it's sort of a family tradition. Every year our mom invites us over for Christmas even though she doesn't want us to come, and we say yes even we don't want to go. Then when we don't show up, even though she's secretly relieved, she gets to complain about what horrible children she has to all of her friends. It's the perfect gift.
Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
You lucky dog!
What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Yeah, so? Sex with crazy chicks is great! Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
No, no, that would be taking advantage of a... a mentally unbalanced person.
Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed! May as well hop on board for a farewell cruise!
S3 E12That Special Tug
I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Everything I say is confidential, right?
Whatever you say stays in this room.
Kind of like Vegas.
Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Yeah, like Vegas.
So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Uh, about twenty minutes.
Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
[at the movie theater]
Alan, you need to be quiet.
Why? The First Amendment gives me the right to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater! GOOBERS!
Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Ch-- chill, chill.
Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Have you no shame?!
Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
S3 E13Humiliation is a Visual Medium
Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.
I think I might be in love with Mia.
Big deal. You've always been in love with you-a.
I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.
Evelyn [to Alan]: Drunk?
He says no.
I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".
Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Me? What would make you think of me?
Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.
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