I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Everything I say is confidential, right?
Whatever you say stays in this room.
Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Uh, about twenty minutes.
Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
