Two and a Half Men · Season 3, Episode 9
Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?
My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Well, Alan, uh, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway. I assume it belongs to one of your brother's "hooers."
One of his what?
Hooers. Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of hooers.
Oh, whores! Uh, well, in all fairness, most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
What is that old witch doing here?
Old witch? She's a charming woman!
Of course she's charming. They're all charming. That's how they lure you into their houses made out of candy and gingerbread.
Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
OK, first of all, we're not dating. I am escorting her to a charity event. And second of all, her age is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what inside a person.
Yeah, well, the only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
She isn't that old, Charlie.
Oh, come on, I bet she was an eyewitness to the birth of agriculture.
Stop it!
Her high school graduation picture is probably on a cave wall in France.
Hey, If you got her [Norma] pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Give it a rest, Charlie.
Oh, come on, I've been working on these all morning! Listen to this: "Her first car was a chariot." "She called her first husband Hun, 'cause he was one!" "Her first Christmas was the first Christmas." "Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs." "Her birthstone was lava." And finally, "The Big Bang"! I don't have a joke for that but I know there's something there!
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