Herb quotes from Two and a Half Men

Herb

What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.

Alan

Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.

Herb

[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?

Charlie

[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?

Alan

No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?

Charlie

[jokingly] No, tell me again.

Alan

[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.

Charlie

Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?

Alan

It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"

Charlie

Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".

Herb

Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.

Alan

Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]

Herb

[before leaving] Hey, Alan?

Alan

[stops] Yeah?

Herb

You talk much to Judith?

Alan

[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.

Herb

Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.

Alan

Okay.

Herb

And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.

Alan

I'm there.

Charlie

You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.

Alan

But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.

Alan

Is this a bad time?

Herb

They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith

Don't you walk away from me!

Herb

Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake

Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Herb

Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

Herb

I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Jake

See you later.

Charlie

Where you going?

Jake

Down to the pier with Celeste.

Herb

Who's Celeste?

Jake

My girlfriend. She lives next door.

Herb

She pretty?

Jake

She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

Herb

No kidding.

Charlie

We don't get it either.

Alan

Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake

Let's hope so!

Charlie

Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.

Alan

And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

Charlie

I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.

Herb

Zing!

Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan

Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

[sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan

You don't like them?

No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie

You're kidding.

Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome

Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome

Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan

That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb

Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan

As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb

Yeah, how did you know?

Alan

Just a guess.