Two and a Half Men · Season 6, Episode 6
Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
They're fighting?
Yep. Thirty-one.
Thirty-one?
It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.
[Upon hearing of Herb and Judith's marital problems, Alan is smiling evilly]
Alan, you got a little evil on your face.
[Alan rubs his face]
Other side.
Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Well, it worked out great.
Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Is that so?
Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]
We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.
Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Yeah.
The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Uh-huh.
Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.
Wait in the car.
Give me the keys.
No!
Then how will I wait in the car?
Wait by the car.
I don't have sunscreen on. I'm very fair skinned.
Then wait under the car.
[treating Jake]
Just keep him away from the staple gun. Also nail guns, glue guns.... pretty much anything with "Gun" in it.
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