Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Hey, Jake...

Jake

You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.

What?

Jake

I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.

S6 E16 She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime

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So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.

Jake

Maybe she has an STD.

What?

Jake

It means "sexually transmitted disease".

I know what STD's are!

Your uncle helped invent them.

Jake

You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.

I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.

Jake

I don't understand.

Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.

Jake

Okay. (walks to the utility room)

(to Alan) You must be so proud.

Jake

(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.

S6 E18 My Son's Enormous Head

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[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]

Is this a bad time?

They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith

Don't you walk away from me!

Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake

Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]

I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

S6 E19 The Two-Finger Rule

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Jake

See you later.

Where you going?

Jake

Down to the pier with Celeste.

Who's Celeste?

Jake

My girlfriend. She lives next door.

She pretty?

Jake

She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

No kidding.

We don't get it either.

Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake

Let's hope so!

S6 E19 The Two-Finger Rule

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(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)

Jerome

Hey, Jake.

Jake

(intimidated) Hello, sir.

Jerome

(calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?

Jake

(still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.

Jerome

(leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.

S6 E19 The Two-Finger Rule

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What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!

No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!

Charlie...

[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]

Get a good earful?

Berta

No.

Jake

I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

S6 E22 Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

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Jake

Where's Uncle Charlie?

Said he had some sort of meeting.

Jake

That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.

S6 E22 Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

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Alan?

Yeah?

Smack your kid for me.

Should we really risk more brain damage?

Jake

Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Jake

Kobe Bryant?

No.

Jake

Lauren Conrad?

No.

Jake

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

What is wrong with you?

S6 E24 Baseball Was Better With Steroids

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[on Alan's screenplay]

Jake

You know what you could call it?

What?

Jake

Bor-ing!

Thank you.

Jake

Rated G... A-Y.

S6 E24 Baseball Was Better With Steroids

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So what's the plan?

Jake

I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Ok uh, is that the entire plan?

Jake

No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Oh, pulling out the big guns.

S7 E12 Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste

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You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Jake

Yeah, that's what my mom says.

S7 E12 Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste

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Jake

I miss Celeste.

I miss Chelsea.

I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

S7 E12 Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste

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I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

Jake

You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.

S7 E13 Yay, No Polyps

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[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]

What are you doing?

Jake

Fixing Eldridge something to eat.

Really?

Yes, I was feeling peckerish.

You mean "peckish".

Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

S8 E14 Looking For Japanese Subs

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[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]

Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!

Jake

You've heard of Jackass?

Yeah.

We are Dumbass.

[Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?

Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?

That was kind of a rhetorical question.

Jake

It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.

[Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.

Jake

Think so?