Jake quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!

Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.

What?

The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.

Jake

What are you talking about?

Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.

Jake

Sounds lame.

Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

S6 E7 Best H.O. Money Can Buy

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[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]

What are you doing?

Jake

Playing 'Smoke on the Water'

With your tongue?

Jake

Pretty cool, huh?

That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!

Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.

Jake

But I'm bored.

Go read a book.

Jake

I don't wanna read a book.

Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?

Two weeks.

Two weeks?

Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.

That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.

No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.

Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

S6 E8 Pinocchio's Mouth

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What's so interesting over there?

Jake

Nothing.

Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

S6 E9 The Mooch at the Boo

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We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!

Jake

What's a gonad?

You are.

Jake

So it's bad.

You're not a gonad.

Says the other gonad.

S6 E10 He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

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Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!

Jake

Now? I haven't finished my soup!

Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.

S6 E10 He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

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Jake

What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?

No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?

Jake

Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.

60/60, huh?

Jake

At least. It could be 70/40.

Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

Jake

Is that good?

For the Ivy League.

S6 E10 He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

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Jake

You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

Berta

Is that so?

Jake

It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.

S6 E11 The Devil's Lube

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Jake

I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".

Actually, I would.

S6 E11 The Devil's Lube

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[Charlie and Jake are having dinner at Janine's house]

Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce. Maybe take a cab home.

Jake

You take a cab home. I'm doing great!

How do you figure?

Jake

You blind? First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear...

Listen to me, knucklehead, that woman's gotta be ten years older than you.

Jake

So? You're like, fifteen years older than her! Step aside, Grandpa.

S6 E12 Thank God For Scoliosis

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(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)

Where are you going?

Jake

I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?

S6 E12 Thank God For Scoliosis

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Jake

No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!

Hey, watch your mouth!

Jake

I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!

S6 E15 I'd Like to Start With the Cat

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If you want dessert, have an apple!

Jake

Not funny, Dad!

S6 E15 I'd Like to Start With the Cat

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So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

Jake

I vote for cathouse.

Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Jake

Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!

A movie would be fine.

All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake

There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.

S6 E16 She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime

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[Charlie is drinking on the patio with Wanda while Chelsea is out of town]

Jake

Have I met this woman before?

I doubt it.

Jake

She looks familiar.

Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.

Jake

I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.

He does.

Jake

Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?

Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.

Jake

That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

S6 E16 She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime

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Jake

I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.