Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

Alan?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

Smack your kid for me.

Alan

Should we really risk more brain damage?

Jake

Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Alan

Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.

Jake

Kobe Bryant?

Alan

No.

Jake

Lauren Conrad?

Alan

No.

Jake

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

Alan

What is wrong with you?

Jake

You know what you could call it?

Alan

What?

Jake

Bor-ing!

Alan

Thank you.

Jake

Rated G... A-Y.

Judith

OH, MY FREAKING GOD!

Alan

Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.

Judith

Great...

Alan

Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.

Judith

Uh-huh.

Alan

I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.

Alan

[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie

Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie

The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

Alan

That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie

Judges?

Berta

Still funny.

Alan

You are a lush!

Charlie

You are a leech!

Alan

You are a misogynist!

Charlie

You are a mistake!

Alan

You are a... What are we up to?

Charlie

N.

Alan

Thank you. You are a necrophiliac!

Charlie

She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Alan

Okay, fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie

Better. You are a nancy-boy.

Alan

You are old!

Charlie

You are oddly-shaped.

Alan

[Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie

You are a parasite.

Alan

Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Oh, hey, Judith. What's up? What do you mean what happened with Jake? We had a nice weekend. Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Charlie

Quack, rectal, suckwad!

Alan

[To Charlie] I never got my "P".

Charlie

All you do is pee.

Alan

[To Judith] What? What? Nothing. Just a little word game. You know, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie

Turd burglar!

Alan

[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend. Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie

Really? Why?

Alan

I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie

Right! Oh, oh, oh! You are a eunuch!

Alan

That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] Look, I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager. He'll get over it. Okay. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.

Charlie

I haven't been happy in seven years.

Alan

For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie

Oh, good to know. Circle the date on the calendar so I'll know when to hang myself.

Alan

Ha, ha. Funny. It's because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore. Great.

Charlie

Tell me what I did so I can do it to you!

Alan

God, you are such a... What are we up to?

Charlie

V.

Alan

Varmint! You are a varmint.

Charlie

Yeah, well, you are a vagina!

Alan

You're calling me a vagina?

Charlie

No, no, no. No, that's too good for you. What you are is vagina-adjacent.

Berta

You know, for some women, this could be considered a hostile work environment.

Alan

You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.

Hi.

Alan

Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.

Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.

Jake

I miss Celeste.

Charlie

I miss Chelsea.

Alan

I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Charlie

Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

Charlie

An orgy requires a minimum of six people.

Alan

What?

Charlie

It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.

Alan

...Yours?

Charlie

Alan, she's, like, 16.

Alan

Again I ask, hoping I won't be called to testify...yours?

Charlie

No! She's coming from Jake's room.

Alan

Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room at 7 in the morning?

Charlie

Why do you think??

Alan

Oh, come on, he's 16!

Charlie

Not everybody waits until they're a junior in college, Alan.

Alan

Sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.

Charlie

I gotta pee. You mind, Judith?

Judith

Just try to hit the bowl this time.

Charlie

Don't worry, I only miss when I've been drinking. [takes a swig of beer]

Alan

[leaving through the front door] I'll wait in the car.

Charlie

Hey, Judith, is there surfing around here?

Judith

What're you talking about? We're 20 miles from the beach.

Charlie

That's what I thought...I'm so proud of that kid!

Alan

What are you doing?

Jake

Fixing Eldridge something to eat.

Alan

Really?

Eldridge

Yes, I was feeling peckerish.

Alan

You mean "peckish".

Eldridge

Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

Alan

Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!

Jake

You've heard of Jackass?

Alan

Yeah.

Eldridge

We are Dumbass.

Alan

[Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?

Eldridge

Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?

Alan

That was kind of a rhetorical question.

Jake

It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.

Alan

[Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.

Jake

Think so?

Alan

Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

Alan

Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.

Jake

There were precautions.

Alan

You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?

Eldridge

We were trying to land in the ocean.

Alan

You missed it by a hundred yards!

Alan

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.

Lydia

He also loved being back for a week.

…while wearing my panties.

He used my panties to make tea.

Alan

That's Okay brother.

Walden

Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.

Alan

That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.

Walden

You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.