Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Walden

Why did she (Judith) leave you?

Alan

Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.

Alan

So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?

Walden

Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?

Alan

No.

Walden

You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.

Alan

Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.

Walden

You bought a Zune?

Alan

I had a coupon.

Walden

I love peepholes.

Alan

You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Alan

Have you told your mother about this?

Jake

No, I was hoping you'd tell her.

Alan

Why would I tell her?

Jake

Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.

Alan

How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?

Berta

I thought it was a stress clinic.

Alan

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

Alan

…and what pray tell is that?

Walden

That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.

Alan

Nice! No movies?

Walden

No, we could switch it to a movie package.

Alan

Or you could add it.

Walden

Oh, okay, we'll add it.

Alan

And don't forget the adult channels.

Walden

No problem.

Alan

You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.

Walden

Right.

"You got any porn on this thing?"

Alan

"Uh, gee, I, I don't know."

"Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."

Alan

"Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Walden

Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?

Alan

Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.

Walden

Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.

Alan

Neither is a drawer full of pot.

Walden

That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.

Jenny

It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.

Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

Walden

Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.

Alan

I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.

Walden

Thank God I showed up.

Walden

You don't have the death certificate, do you?

Alan

No, but I'm sure my mom does.

Walden

How are you gonna get it from her without telling her about the money?

Alan

Uh, remember four years ago, how I told you I'd only be here a few days? I think I can figure it out.

Walden

[looking at audience] I can't wait for this to be over.

Walden

I’m not letting Charlie drive me out of this house. I reward his bad behavior.

Alan

Yeah, that’s only supposed to happen in show business.

Walden

Wow, look at that.

Berta

Someone's having a piano delivered by helicopter.

Alan

That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. He had a baby grand just like that.

Walden

It's coming right this way. You don't think...that it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy, do you?

[after a thought] Nah!

[turning to audience] Winning.