Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.

Alan

Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...

Jake

Home.

Charlie

This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan

Yes, it is.

Charlie

Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!

Alan

Well, tough. I like it.

Charlie

Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.

Alan

I'll never apologize for my feminine side.

Alan

So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?

Charlie

I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.

Jake

Maybe she has an STD.

Charlie

What?

Jake

It means "sexually transmitted disease".

Charlie

I know what STD's are!

Alan

Your uncle helped invent them.

Jake

You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.

Charlie

I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.

Jake

I don't understand.

Charlie

Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.

Jake

Okay. (walks to the utility room)

Charlie

(to Alan) You must be so proud.

Jake

(from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?

Alan

Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.

Charlie

Oh, please don't leave!

Alan

Oh, please don't hang up!

I love you!

Berta

And I love you, too.

Alan

Is this a bad time?

Herb

They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.

Judith

Don't you walk away from me!

Herb

Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!

Jake

Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.

Herb

Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!

Herb

I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.

Jake

See you later.

Charlie

Where you going?

Jake

Down to the pier with Celeste.

Herb

Who's Celeste?

Jake

My girlfriend. She lives next door.

Herb

She pretty?

Jake

She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.

Herb

No kidding.

Charlie

We don't get it either.

Alan

Maybe she's punishing her father.

Jake

Let's hope so!

Charlie

Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.

Alan

And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.

Charlie

I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.

Herb

Zing!

Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?

Alan

Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.

[sighs] Snickerdoodles.

Alan

You don't like them?

No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.

Charlie

You're kidding.

Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]

Jerome

Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.

Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?

Jerome

Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]

Alan

That's way better than "snickerdoodle".

Herb

Judith calls mine "that thing".

Alan

As in, "Get that thing away from me"?

Herb

Yeah, how did you know?

Alan

Just a guess.

Charlie

This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!

Alan

Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]

Charlie

Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.

Alan

Oh hey, good idea!

Charlie

What'cha doin'?

Alan

Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.

Charlie

OK. Why?

Alan

I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...

Charlie

Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

Alan

No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.

Charlie

Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

And for you, sir?

Alan

Whiskey, neat.

Charlie

Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Alan

Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

Tru dat.

Charlie

[After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.

Alan

Oh, you mean Rose?

Charlie

No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

Charlie

[to Rose] So you actually wanna be with him?

Rose

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to Alan] And you believe she's got no ulterior motive whatsoever?

Alan

[replies back to Charlie] I do.

Charlie

[to both of them] Fine. I now pronounce you fruit basket & nutcase! May God have mercy on your souls.

Charlie

Alan?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

You're starting to scare the crap out of me.

Alan

Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?

Charlie

That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.

Alan

Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?

Charlie

With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]

Alan

Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.

Charlie

OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!

Alan

What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?

Charlie

You're text-blocking me.

Alan

Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.

Charlie

Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.