Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Hey, Berta? You're a woman.

Berta

Where are we going with this, Zippy?

Alan

I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?

Berta

Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Charlie

A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

Alan

He doesn't?

Charlie

No, he doesn't.

Alan

Can't we ask him?

Charlie

Don't bother. I know what he'll say.

Alan

OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Alan

I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.

Charlie

Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!

Alan

Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.

Charlie

Oh, I hardly think so.

Alan

All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...

Charlie

Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!

Alan

Does that make a difference?

Charlie

It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan

Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.

Charlie

All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]

Jake

Hot girl at twelve o'clock.

Charlie

Where?

Jake

Over there.

Alan

That would be nine o'clock.

Jake

No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.

Charlie

You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Alan

Go ahead, take a swing.

Charlie

OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

Jake

What if you have a digital watch?

Charlie

First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake

Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?

Alan

No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Jake

Good one.

Alan

You understood that?

Jake

Not really. That's how I knew it was good.

Alan

Charlie?

Charlie

What?

Alan

I need your help.

Charlie

If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

Alan

No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.

Charlie

Yeah, so?

Alan

I'm out of notches.

Charlie

Fine, what do you need?

Alan

A younger man's penis.

Berta

One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--

Alan

His middle name isn't Roscoe--

Berta

Who's telling the story?!

Alan

Continue.

Berta

Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]

Alan

His middle name is Francis.

Alan

You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Charlie

Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Jake

Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?

Jake

Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Alan

Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Jake

So you were too cheap to get her earrings.

Alan

She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Alan

[to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Charlie

I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?

Alan

I'm not talking to you.

Charlie

Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]

Alan

Would you please just... go to sleep?

Charlie

Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]

Charlie

Will you make up your freaking mind?

Alan

Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.

Charlie

Can I throw up in it?

Alan

No.

Charlie

Then I don't need to see it.

Jake

Where are we going?

Alan

You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.

Alan

Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Jake

Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?

Alan

Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.

Jake

Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]

Alan

Hey, hey, watch your mouth!

Charlie

Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan

So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Charlie

Hey, leave Jake out of this.