Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

It's just money, Alan.

Alan

Well, I don't want him to think like that!

Charlie

Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?

Alan

For the last time, I misdialed!

Charlie

Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.

Charlie

(still drunk) [after Alan opens the door] Oh, hey Alan, come on in!

Alan

Why don't you come in here?

Charlie

Yeah, I Lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jake

She [Chloe] brought soup.

Charlie

Why would she bring soup?

Alan

You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Charlie

I'm not jealous!

Alan

Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.

Jake

And he can sing.

Charlie

This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!

Jake

Yeah, but you stink.

Charlie

Alan, you know the difference between you and me?

Alan

Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

Evelyn

Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

Jake

What's a "pied-à-terre"?

Evelyn

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".

Mom!

Evelyn

Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.

Alan

Yeah, but what about us?

Charlie

Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Alan

Why not? He seems like a great guy.

Charlie

He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Evelyn

As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.

Oh, Mom!

Evelyn

It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

Alan

How do they feel?

Jake

OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.

Alan

They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.

Charlie

Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Alan

I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.

Charlie

Ah, he's smarter than that.

Alan

Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan

And-And what about you?

Charlie

What about me?

Alan

You're afraid of everything.

Charlie

Like what?

Alan

Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.

Charlie

Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.

Alan

Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.

Alan

Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.

Evelyn

So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?

Alan

No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.

Evelyn

Charlie, what about you?

Charlie

I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan

Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.

Charlie

You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.

Alan

Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?

Charlie

That was different.

Alan

How?

Charlie

It was you.

Alan

Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Charlie

She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.

Alan

Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.

Alan

Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.

OK, it's you. Feel better?

Alan

Actually, no.

You're a very nice guy...

Alan

No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?

Yes, they finish last.

Alan

No, they finish in the shower.