Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!

Evelyn

Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?

Charlie

Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Charlie

[Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?

Jake

Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]

Alan

I think you know what you have to do.

Charlie

Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?

Alan

Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.

Charlie

But he's not learning anything!

Alan

Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Evelyn

Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie

Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn

Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie

What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn

Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan

Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn

You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan

So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake

I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan

You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake

Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie

Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake

Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie

You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan

Charlie...

Charlie

That's a cool car, too, Jake.

Alan

Holy mother of God!

Charlie

No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn

I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie

Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn

Well, if you must know--

Alan

I don't need to know.

Evelyn

Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie

With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn

Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Jake

I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.

Charlie

Wanna bet?

Jake

Why not?

Charlie

Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Charlie

A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.

Alan

That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.

Charlie

Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

Rose

Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.

Charlie

You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?

Rose

That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...

Charlie

Oh, my God!

Rose

What?

Charlie

I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.

Charlie

I have to tell you something.

Alan

OK.

Charlie

Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan

All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie

You'll understand in a minute.

Alan

Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie

I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Charlie

What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Evelyn

[About the menu] See anything you like dear?

Jake

I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer.

Jake

What?

Evelyn

Deer. D-E-E-R.

Jake

What? W-H-A-T.

Evelyn

[To Alan] What's wrong with him?

Alan

Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.

Jake

Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!

Charlie

Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan

I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie

I was hoping.

Alan

Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie

OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie

Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?

Alan

Yeah?

Charlie

You actually stopped at 6.

Alan

What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie

Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

Alan

I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.

Charlie

There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.