Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! *walks to the piano* C-Sharp! C-Sharp is the sound of approaching deafness!!

Charlie

Listen to you, you're like an old man.

Alan

I can't listen to me. All I hear is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Alan

You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?

Charlie

Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.

Alan

Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.

Charlie

OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Jake

Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!

Alan

Excuse me?

Charlie

He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.

Jake

For shizzle, my dizzle

Berta

Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.

Alan

What is it?

Jake

It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?

Berta

You said it Poop Dog.

Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?

Alan

Uh, actually, I don't.

Charlie

I do.

Alan

You do?

Charlie

Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Alan

I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.

Charlie

Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?

Jake

Yo man! This bling is off the hook!

Charlie

Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.

Jake

What the heck?

Charlie

Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

Alan

Knock 'em dead at the audition.

Kandi

Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Charlie

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Charlie

Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!

Alan

Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!

Jake

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

Charlie

All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.

Alan

My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Charlie

Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Alan

[About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?

Charlie

Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?

Alan

No, I thought we would learn together.

Charlie

Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Charlie

What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Alan

Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?

Charlie

Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!

Alan

Exactly. And you know what that means?

Charlie

You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Alan

Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.

Herb

Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Charlie

Not in my house.

Alan

You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.

Charlie

That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

[About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.

Charlie

I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.

Really?

Charlie

Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.