Charlie[About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
So what do we talk about?
Charlie
Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
DDanielle
[Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Charlie
Oh darn...
What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
Charlie
I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
DDanielle
Should we reschedule?
Charlie
No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?
Charlie
She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie
Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie
There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie
Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie
What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie
OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Charlie
Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
LLeanne
No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie
I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Charlie
Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie
I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
BBeverly
Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie
Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
BBeverly
He can't find his stalker?
They're usually in the last place you look.
[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie
What are you staring at?
[outside the nightclub]
Charlie
Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie
OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
BBruno
You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.
What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie
Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
[Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
Charlie
[Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Yes!!.... You're going to live
Charlie
Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
So what you're saying is...
Charlie
It's a house of cards, Alan.
Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]
[Outside the hospital's emergency room] Damn it! What kind of a hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'M HOMELESS! [Enters the emergency room] Uhh...everything's fine. They're just gonna run some tests. Not to worry.
Charlie
[Who thinks he is going to die] Easy for you to say. Listen, Alan, if I don't make it, you need to know about my will.
Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk, you're gonna make it, but...go on, finish what you were saying.
Charlie
First of all, I left the house to you and Jake.
Yes!! [Charlie looks at him].... you're gonna make it!
Charlie
Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it and the property taxes are $50,000 a year.
Uhh...$50,000. [whistles] Eh, excuse me. [steps outside and yells] Do you got a flatline to get a little help around here?! Do you need to move to Canada to get some decent medical care?! [enters the emergency room] They'll be right over. So, uh-uh, 50 grand, huh? Boy, I don't know how I can afford that. Y'know, if I came into some money, an inheritance, or something.
Charlie
There's no money, Alan.
Charlie
The whole thing's a house of cards.
Huh. [steps outside and yells] Okay, I did not want to have to do this, but I am Matthew Broderick! And that is my brother lying there!
I am so sorry, Mr. Broderick. I love you in The Producers.
Two and a Half Men · 811 quotes
