Grampa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart! Do you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Grampa

Heh! Welcome to my world! [falls asleep and snores]

[Bart and Lisa try hard to stay awake that night. Lisa gives Maggie a Buzz Cola to drink while the three children watch "Asian Market Wrapup."]

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There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures.

It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.

You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.

OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.

S7 Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! [motions to the sandbox]

Groundskeeper Willie

When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!

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[Mona and Abe meet for the first time since Mona has come back]

Mona

Oh, Abe... you've aged terribly.

Grampa

[to Mona] Well, what do you expect?! You left me to raise the boy on my own!

Mona

[to Grampa] I had to leave! You didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!

Grampa

It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! [beat] Can we have sex? Please?

S7 Mother Simpson

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[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]

Look at that hunk of junk.

Grampa

[sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.

S7 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming

How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?

GGrandpa

I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

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He spanked you? [He's angry and points at Bart.] You? Bart Simpson?

I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation.

Grampa

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

Marge

Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment.

Grampa

And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]

S7 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

First, Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then makes fun of the way I talk -- probably. Now, he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! WELL, THAT'S IT!

S7 Two Bad Neighbors

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Martin

Dickety? Highly dubious!

Grampa

What are you cackling at, fatty?! Too much pie, that's your problem!

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Mr. Burns

Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

[Grampa's suspenders suddenly snap with a loud "boing!", revealing his underwear]

Grampa

...How long was that?

S7 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

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[Grampa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns.]

S7 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.

Grampa

The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

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[Bart is impressed with Grampa's past heroism.]

S7 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

Grampa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?

Grampa

You're a give-'em-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education. You could've made sergeant!

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[1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing".]

[off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney

[off-key] I wanna dance the night away! [Abraham enters the scene]

Grampa

What the hell are you two doin'?!

Barney

It's called "rocking out"!

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.

Grampa

I used to be "with it". But then they changed what it was! Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. [points sinisterly at Homer] It'll happen to you!

[Homer shrugs off Abraham, looks at his reflection in the mirror happily]

No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! Forever! Forever!

[fades to his dejected self in the mirror at present day]

[dejected] Forever... forever... forever...

S7 Homerpalooza

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Grampa

Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.

S9 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

You're already in a home.

Grampa

Oh how could you?

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Grampa

[about Lisa] Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On account of the Simpson gene!

Marge

"Simpson gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa

No. Baldness, too.

S9 Lisa the Simpson

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Wow. Dad was a good speller?

Grampa

Oh, your dad used to be as smart as a monkey, then his mind started gettin' lazy and now he's as dumb as a chimp.

Grampa!

Grampa

Hey, I am too. And your brother's coming along nicely. Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was as smart as a chimp. (opens up a box labeled "Bart". On top of a stack of homework is a paper of Bart's from the second grade, with a smiley face and the words "Great Work!" written next to it)

This is just two years ago!

Grampa

That's right. Then the Simpson genes kicked in! (leafs through the paper like an animator's flip book. The smiley faces on the corners gradually turn into frowns and eventually, the skull and crossbones)

S9 Lisa the Simpson

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[Homer walks out of the Animal Assistants Store with Mojo the Helper Monkey and Grampa Simpson]

Grampa Simpson

Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.