Grampa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Grampa

Am I dead yet?

Marge

No.

Grampa

How about now?

Marge

[losing patience] No.

Grampa

Now?

Marge

I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.

Grampa

Thank you.

Ned

Goshdarn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [sighs] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life!

Grampa

Hey there!

Ned

Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned. [car pulls away out of earshot]

Grampa

Help! We're being carjacked!

Don't get clever, old man. [cocks a revolver] Now take us to Dress Barn.

Homer

Get back in the garage, old man!

Grampa

But there's spiders in the boxes!

Homer

Stay out of my boxes!

Homer

We left plenty of food so you won't starve.

Grampa

Oh, thank you.

Homer

I was talking to the cat.

Homer

Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?

Grampa

You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.

Grampa

[narrating] It was back in World War II. I was a Seaman First Class on the USS World War I. We were minding our own business, when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.

Don't worry about the sharks, boys. Just play possum and they'll leave you alone.

Grampa

[narrating] Unfortunately, sharks love possum!

Bart

It's not my fault, Grampa told me to kiss her!

Marge

[scoffs] Why didn't you just tell him to club her on her head and drag her into a cave?

Grampa

You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.

Bart

Well, if I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can--

Homer

No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poorhouse and have to eat garbage forever!

Bart

That's no problem, Mom can make garbage taste great.

Marge

[genuinely touched, hugging him] Thank you!

Bart

Well, I mean it.

Marge

And it means the world to me.

Homer

[touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]

Grampa

You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at——

Grampa

Lawn chair-breaking——

Grampa

Hair-losing——

Grampa

Marge-loving——

Grampa

Barometer dropping——

Grampa

Father freezing——

Grampa

But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway. Because deep down you couldn't stand to see me smooshed.

Grampa

And I created an alcoholic hippo.

Homer

You never showed it to me!

Grampa

A stupid alcoholic hippo!

Homer

I still want to see it!

Grampa

There is no hippo!

Homer

Then why did you say that?

Grampa

'Cause you're the hippo!

Homer

Are you just saying that because you don't want me to see the hippo?

Grampa

I don't have a hippo!

Homer

Sorry, Dad. I was afraid of the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.

Grampa

You idgit! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.

Grampa

Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.

Bart

You have a story with an ending.

Bart

He's alive!

Marge

And he didn't pee on the floor.

Grampa

For me, that's a perfect day.

Bart

Oh, thanks, Mom. "Just keep away from scrotum." Uh, Grampa, where's your scrotum?

Grampa

Mm, I think it's in my other pants.

Homer

Hey, what's the haps, pop-diggity?

Grampa

D'oh! What's wrong with you? Can't you talk like a normal 55-year-old man?https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:C361:A40:39F7:CD1C:F13D:BB3F

Okay, listen, you stay in the car until I get back.

Agnes Skinner

I waited and waited.

Cletus

Ma'am, are you okay? 'Cause I've been staring at ya since 2:00 in the morning.

Agnes Skinner

I never saw Billy again. Abe, what if Burns knows I was there?

Grampa

I guess I'll have to ask him. Luckily, I'm wearing my gun.