Carl Carlson quotes from The Simpsons

[on piracy] That was so much better than the cinema. It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.

Carl

All we want is brand new, big-budget entertainment in our homes for nothing. Why doesn't Hollywood get that?

Homer

Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive Man sequel?

Carl

Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.

Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a deboot.

Why do they call this a yard of ale?

Carl

Easy. After you drink it, you're passed out in a yard.

These photos show that 6 years ago Bart and Lisa were fighting like Creationists and Common Sense.

Homer

Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.

Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Carl

Yeah Homer, we'll definitely help you, but you're gonna have to wait.

We just ordered a pie for the bar.

Carl

What did you do that for?!

Barney

Yeah! It took us 45 minutes to choose a topping!

We decided on cheese.

Poor guy, living at the plant.

Carl

And yet, he's still late!

Quitting time!

Carl

Quitting time!

Homer

Thank God it's Friday.

Thursday.

Homer

Same thing. See you Monday!

They over-fogged the run-in!

Carl

They put those kids in danger just to psych up the crowd! [yelling] Yeah, are you psyched up now? Huh? Are you?!

Hey, Lenny, you duck-faced psycho! Guess who's going to Homer Simpson's house for a meal?! Me.

Carl

Uh, I'm Carl!

Homer

I'm looking for a godfather for my little angel.

Aw, what a cutie. Let me give her a sip of beer.

Homer

Okay, you're out.

If I'm out, Carl's out.

Carl

I decide who tells me what to do. Moe?

You're out, Carl.

Carl

No, no, it can't be true!

Homer

It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.

Carl

So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?

Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.

Carl

What trauma?

Homer

Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.

Carl

Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? [Steven appears]. Nice to meet you, Steven.

Aw crap, here we go again.

Carl

Me, too.

Barney

I use mine as corn holders.

Homer

Marge, baby, when I get this job, we're gonna be rich. Rich.

Exact change? Huh. That's it?

Homer

Oh, I really want to tip you, Moe, but I promised my wife I'd quit.

Here's a thought, Homer. Uh, what if you took the moolah out of your pocket, but you just stop before anything happened. You know, uh, everything but the tip.

Homer

That doesn't seem like it could lead to anything.

Sure it couldn't.

Homer

[takes his wallet out of his pocket, giving Moe a $10] We shouldn't have done that.

Does that mean that you want to stop?

Homer

[giving Moe a another $10, moans] No. It feels so good. [giving Moe a another $10]

Don't stop, you generous man. Oh, yeah, give it to me, big boy.

Homer

You like that?

Oh, that's the spot.

Homer

I can do this all night.

Right there.

Homer

Tell me you want it.

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes! [cash flies into a Moe in his face]

Oh, God!

Carl

I need a new bar.