Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer

That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?

Lisa

I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!

Can not.

Lisa

Can too.

Can not!

Lisa

Can too!

Homer

Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Lisa

Aw, come on, Bart, not again!

Bart

[dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Hello, is Al there?

Al?

Bart

Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.

Lemme check. [calls] Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?! [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [to the phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]

Homer

[depressed] I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.

Bart

A little pre-dinner entertainment.

[answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Oliver there?

Who?

Bart

Oliver Klozoff.

Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff, call for Oliver Clothesoff!

[laugh]

Here I opened wide the door-

Bart

This better be good.

Darkness there and nothing more.

Bart

You know what would have been scarier than nothing?

Lisa

What?

Bart

Anything!

Quoth the raven-

Bart

Eat my shorts!

Lisa

Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart

Okay, okay.

So, caught anything?

Lisa

Not yet, sir.

What are you using for bait?

Lisa

My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

I see. What's your name, son?

Bart

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

[chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!

Bart

Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Ned

[begins writing a letter] "Dear neighbor..."

Homer

[from behind] FLANDERS!!!

Ned

[startled] Gah! Oh, hey. Sorry, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.

Homer

[opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering. Cut to the next morning. he, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and he's is reading Ned's letter out loud] "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [he, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]

Marge

[stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]

Homer

"Neighbors forever," Oh no! [he and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Bart

[slapping the table] What a sap!

Lisa

[wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad![Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Marge

Now, just a minute!

Bart

"Bosom." [he, Homer, and Lisa laugh]

Lisa

Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes... [puts a hand on his shoulder] I believe in you.

Bart

[puts his hand over hers] Thanks, man.

Homer

[angrily turns red] Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart

Hey, man! She took my glue!

Lisa

It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!

Homer

Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Lisa

Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Lisa

[hands Bart glue] Here.

Bart

Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike]

Lisa

Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Bart

Oh, come on.

Lisa

Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?

Bart

I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Lisa

Just tell me you're sorry!

Bart

Why should I?!

Lisa

Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Bart

Leave me alone.

Lisa

Just look!

Bart

Okay, okay. [closes his eyes] Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr- [He suddenly opens his eyes in realization] Uh-oh. [puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.

Lisa

Apology accepted. [kisses his cheek]

Homer

You know, Marge, we're great parents. [cut to the kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35 PM] Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.

[in unison] Amen.

Marge

[sees Itchy and Scratchy on TV and Maggie is imitating Itchy's moves using a pencil] So television is responsible. [turns off the TV]

Lisa

Hey, we were watching that!

Bart

Mom, what are you doing?!

Marge

Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever!

Lisa

But Mom! If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.

Bart

Really? What kind of robots?

Bart

Bye, Unkie Herb.

Lisa

Goodbye, Unkie Herb.

Marge

Goodbye, Herb.

Homer

Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! [boards bus that just arrived] As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! [bus closes doors and leaves]

Marge

[consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa

His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Bart

No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa

[sarcastically while being sick] If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart

Fine, then...Wait a minute...If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge

Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart

I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa

No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer

Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.