Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!

Homer

Are the parents gonna be home?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Pft! Lame!!

Bart

Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?

Lisa

NOOOO!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!

Bart

What happened? Did jazz die?

Lisa

[enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me!! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]

Marge

Acne!? But she's only eight!

Lisa

[worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?

Bart

I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.

Lisa

[cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!!

Lisa

Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.

Bart

I see love.

Lisa

Unconditional love.

Bart

Which means I can do whatever I want!

Lisa

D'oh!

Lisa

Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.

Marge

[groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]

Homer

Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]

Homer

[To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's] Why you little!

Bart

Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!

Homer

[gasps] Oh my God. That would've been horrible! [to Bart] Why you little! [strangles him] Turning a sweet little baby into a you! [sits beside him] Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.

Bart

Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. [puts her hair back to normal]

Homer

Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. [makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's]

Bart

Stop that! [makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's]

Homer

Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Lisa

[offscreen] Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]

Homer

D'oh!

Lisa

I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.

Homer

Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.

Lisa

Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?

Homer

Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.

Bart

Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!

Homer

Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!

Bart

Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...

Lisa

Too late!

Lisa

[dressed as a seahorse] Mom! Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong!

Marge

You said you were a seahorse!

Lisa

A male seahorse, with a pouch!

Marge

Males have pouches?

Lisa

Male seahorses' nurturing is one of the wonders of the world. You said you read the script!

Marge

Bart gave me a synopsis, I... [realizes that Bart made up the synopsis] Oh boy.

Marge

What a beautiful day for a family stroll!

[carrying his octuplets] Tell that to my aching back!

Bart

[groans] It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!

Marge

What a beautiful day to be in denial!

Lisa

Yeah, Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror?

Homer

Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.

And that's where Lard Lad used to be!

Kent Brockman

In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue."

Homer

Ooh, rebranding!

Lisa

That just means admitting failure, Dad.

Homer

Ooh, admitting failure!

Bart

[eating the candy] Mmm! They are good!

Lisa

How did you get them so fast?

Bart

I'm a Krusty Prime member. $75.00 a month, but it's worth it.

Lisa

[picks up a box of samples] We've got to get these samples analyzed. Bart, do you think we'll get out of here safely?

Bart

I think the guard's no problem.

Bart

Here comes our ride.

Lisa

A Skunk-a-san! [Homer tries to throw Pokeballs at the skunk but it does not work] Why can't I capture you? [moves myPhone away, revealing a real skunk] Aah! It's real! [skunk sprays Homer] D'oh! [starts to lose consciousness then drops. cut to garage where Homer is in a tomato sauce bath]

Bart

Sprayed by a skunk. dad, that game is too dangerous.

Homer

Aw, water soup again?

Marge

Now, it's crow soup.

Homer

Ooh, I call an eye!

Lisa

Me too!

Bart

Me three!

Marge

And Maggie gets the break.

Maggie

Aaaeeey! Uh-Ah!

Bart

Isn't this great,baby alone time. Where's Maggie’s Peek-a-boo.

Lisa

Well, what do you think of my late pick-up room?

Ned

It's wonderful, hard to believe it's the same room they found all those dead rats in.