Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Aw, jeez, I thought writing another hit song would be easier.

Lisa

Well, it would have helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.

Lisa

I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.

As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.

Marge

Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat?

Lisa

See you next Tuesday, Dr. Schulman! Oh, right, you're in Maui.

Bart

I saved you.

Lisa

But you pushed me!

Bart

Duh, I couldn't save you until I pushed you. Girls make no sense.

Lisa

I was pretending, and it worked!

Bart

You know, kid. With your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team!

Lisa

What are Barts?

Bart

You're the smart one, you figure it out.

Lisa

Remember when Apu let Dad have the experienced hot dog?

Homer

Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Homer

That's Mock Rickly, my old Air Force buddy.

Bart

You said you were in the Army.

Lisa

You said you were in the Navy.

That's the kind of mix up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.

Lisa

Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.

Ned

And done. Proud of you boys.

Homer

[flips the fence to the brown side] Thanks for painting my fence stupid Flanders!

Ned

Homer Simpson reorder that border. We've been painting since sun-up.

Homer

Half the fence is mine.

Ned

Fine. Let the good lord decide.

Homer

[spins the fence] D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! [the fence comes to a stop at the painted side] Woo-hoo!

Lisa

And those are some nice upgrades.

Bart

Expensive upgrades!

Lisa

Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.

Bart

Expensive cash!

Lisa

Where did you get the cash, Nelson?

I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!

Homer

Then they called me "Stinkson"! That's not even my name!

Lisa

What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never our hygiene. [silence] Rarely our hygiene. [silence] Never my hygiene!

Lisa

Why are you locking up the house?

Homer

[scared] Wha...? [heavily breathing] Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? [laughs] It's all just stuff I'm saying!

Lisa

Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.

Who is more foolish---the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?

Bart

What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?

For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]

Bart

He is foolish!

Lisa

So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.

Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!

Lisa

We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu-- Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart

[with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?

Lisa

[offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!

Bart

Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m-- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]

Lisa

Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and [in a spooky tone] I'll tell you how! It's with a needle and thread!!

I like magic. I'm going to take one of your cards. [takes one of them and performs a magic trick, making the cards multiply] Or did I take 52?

Lisa

[gasps] Do you want to join in? You could be president! Just man the booth, I need to go to the bathroom.

I'd love to join. Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out. [looks at Ralph's Hug Club]

Hug me! Hug me! [Principal Skinner puts a "Warning, Do not hug" sign on him] Hug me!

I'm Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.

Lisa

Lisa. Always been here. Trying to make friends. [they hug]

Groundskeeper Willie

Well, I've got news for all of your clubs! It's 3 p.m., so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers!

Lisa

Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?

Marge

He's safe.

Homer

And more importantly: We're safe.

Marge

[sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]

Lisa

Hmm... Can I call him?

Homer

You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.

Lisa

I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]

Marge

Homie, where did we go wrong?

Homer

I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

Lisa

[to Homer] In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.

Homer

Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction?

Lisa

Relax, Dad. All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.

If we can solve our backened server issues... [Homer moans]

Lisa

...And maximize our query speed... [Homer moans]

...Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing. [Homer moans]

Lisa

And JezeBot. [Homer moans]

And our AMA subreddit will be trending [Homer moans]

Lisa

Giga-trending!!

Homer

Aah!! I hate the modern world and all its crazy words! [on the phone] Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer. [a drone enters from the window and gives Homer a Duff Beer can]