A character in The Simpsons
Played by Yeardley Smith
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
4th most-quoted character in The Simpsons: in 585 of its 3,477 quotes
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (249), Bart Simpson (248), Marge Simpson (169)
[The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
LisaLook, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books! You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
Thank you, young Muggle.
LisaCan you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
[sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa[happily] Yes...
[Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]
We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)
Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)
Stop saying it!
Saying what?
MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)
Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)
Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
LisaMom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)
That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Good luck!
It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)
[Homer has been making something with the "Kitchen Carnival" overnight]
[to Lisa] I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes, and then finally I can eat my shorts!
[They both yell in shock as they see Homer with a truly massive ball of caramel-covered cotton candy]
LisaWhat is that?!
[proudly] This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar! Dig in!
[Bart and Lisa immediately do so]
That's it, kids, suckle Daddy's sugar ball.
LisaDad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby-Dick.
Lisa, the point of Moby-Dick is be yourself!
LisaI'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
That's really a cheat, isn't it?
LisaI guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.
LisaThis is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
It's too long; he won't read it.
LisaWell, what if it gets made into a movie?
It's too sappy; he won't see it.
LisaWell, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
[gasps] We're doomed!
Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!
For the last time, those are SALMON!
[Bart heads into the bathroom, Homer comes out giggling.]
Wait 'til he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat. [He giggles again, while looking at "Squat-n-Squirt" box cover. A toilet flushing is heard.] Huh? Where the "ee-yow"?
[exits the bathroom] All yours, Homer.
But you didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to-- I'm a dude.
[snatches Bart back to the bathroom, forces him to sit on toilet] Butt on bowl, little man!
[struggling to sit on toilet] Hey, my pants aren't down!
It doesn't matter!
[Bart gets through his legs and forces him on toilet, which it sprays water.]
Ee-yow! [sputters]
[Bart laughs at it.]
[turns red in anger] Why you little--! [angrily strangles Bart] Joke's on me, isn't it?!
[Bart stucks the electric toothbrush up Homer's nose, makes him vibrate on inside. Then Homer grabs shower hose and sprays it in Bart's mouth. Then Bart grabs the toilet cleaning brush and brushes inside Homer's mouth, which makes him strangle him again. The shower hose flies with water still on hits things off.]
[offscreen] What's all that racket?!
[gasps] It's old lady Simpson! Run! [he and Bart runs out of the bathroom]
Lisa[as she and Marge enters] What's going on?
Uh... I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
[Marge, Bart and Lisa cheers]
Yeah!
LisaJust because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
And even then he could only speak German!
Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
167? That's amazing for a Christian!
Lisa[horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
Lisa[annoyed] Yes, thank you.
[Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
LisaIt's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."
Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
LisaOkay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]
LisaLets try another one. A little harder.
[Lisa shows Maggie the word octogenarian. Maggie points at Grampa.]
LisaNo, that's wrong.
[Maggie points at Santa's Little Helper.]
Lisa[Sarcasticaly] That's right. This spells dog.
[Lisa gets caught in act]
[Angrily] Lisa ! You are purposefully teaching her the wrong words. Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
[Homer makes phonic frog say, "I agree with your mother. You are a dissapointment to Huh, Oh, Muh, Eh, Er."]
Doesn't your father ever read to you?
LisaHe tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
Lisa[As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
[Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
[Snake walks up to Artie]
Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
[Artie notices more prisoners smoking]
Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
[sobbing] My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
[Marge continues sobbing]
LisaYou're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]
Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
Principal SkinnerHarry Shearer · 66 quotes
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