Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

That couch looks really pricey.

Bart

Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.

Homer

Of course, because you wouldn't want to... [screams] I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU... [chokes Bart]

Marge

I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this...

Lisa

It's 300, Mom.

Marge

I could've sworn it was 302.

Lisa

Shhh!

Lisa

Could you use it in a sentence?

Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner

I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

Lisa

Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

Homer

You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich... it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!

Principal Skinner

Lisa, "impugn."

Lisa

I-M-P...

Bart

Hey, Lisa said...

[Slaps Bart in the back of his head] Shut up, pee!

I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it. [chuckles]

Lisa

Nah, forget it. [thought bubble shrinks]

[upset] No! I'll never be this happy again!

Lisa

Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—[cut off by Bart]

Bart

Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." [Pulls the switch beyond "Overload"]

Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.

Officer Lou

But Chief, we are the entire force.

Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Lisa

Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?

Marge

Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.

Bart

Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.

Marge

Bart, that's not right.

Bart

Sorry, Mom... See? It's that easy.

Homer

Move the net under the window.

Lisa

There's no net.

Homer

[falling] AAGH! OOF!

Homer

Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?

Lisa

Who would want candy filled with laxatives?

I...AM...DEATH.

Homer

Death? We don't want any. [Closes the door, Death breaks through it with his scythe]

I HAVE COME FOR BART SIMPSON.

Marge

Bart, run like the "wine-d"!

Lisa

Mom, it's "wind"!

Marge

Well, I only read it in books.

Homer

This is for Snowball I and J.F.K.! [Hits Death with a bowling ball. Death's jaw falls out as he falls to the floor and dies. His contract for Bart disappears as well as his scythe, which was holding Bart up]

Bart

Cool.

Lisa

Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!

Homer

Does this mean they'll never cancel The Jim Belushi Show?

Lisa

I guess so.

Homer

NOOOOOOOO!

Professor Frink Sr.

[after he is revived] So, what am I? Some kind of Tin-Can Man from Planet Tomorrow?

Lisa

Sir, your son has brought you back into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th, except everyone's afraid and the stock market is much lower.

Professor Frink Sr.

Polly don't like that cracker!

Lisa

Nelson, you're running for school president?

I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.

Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...

Nelson, what are you doing?

Real-estate license exam?

My ticket to freedom!

Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.

Lisa

Prime Minister Tony Blair?

Bart

Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?

Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.

Homer

Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?

No, but thank you.

Marge

Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?

There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.

Homer

The place where I was born is now a gator farm.

Smashing.

Lisa

Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?

I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.

Homer

Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!