Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes... [puts a hand on his shoulder] I believe in you.

Bart

[puts his hand over hers] Thanks, man.

Homer

[angrily turns red] Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart

Hey, man! She took my glue!

Lisa

It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!

Homer

Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Lisa

Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Lisa

[hands Bart glue] Here.

Bart

Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike]

Homer

[sets Bart down; very stern and serious] Alright, Bart, that's it! Go to your room, now!

Bart

Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

Homer

[losing patience] I said NOW!

Bart

Mom, do I have to?

Marge

[angrily confronts Bart] Yes, you do! I hope you're happy, Bart! You've RUINED Thanksgiving!

Marge

[sternly] Bart, you can to come down to dinner as soon as you're ready to apologize to your sister, and it's going to be a real apology in front of everybody, and you have to mean it.

Bart

[kicking his toy car he was playing with] Apologize?! For what?! Clearing the table?! Having a sense of humor?! They think they can starve an apology out of me? Ha! [furiously climbs out of the window, angrily jumps down from a tree and lividly lands on some daisies] Uh-oh. I mean...good! [violently jumps up and down on the daisies in anger]

Lisa

Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Bart

Oh, come on.

Lisa

Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?

Bart

I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Lisa

Just tell me you're sorry!

Bart

Why should I?!

Lisa

Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Bart

Leave me alone.

Lisa

Just look!

Bart

Okay, okay. [closes his eyes] Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr- [He suddenly opens his eyes in realization] Uh-oh. [puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.

Lisa

Apology accepted. [kisses his cheek]

Homer

You know, Marge, we're great parents. [cut to the kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35 PM] Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.

[in unison] Amen.

Hey, that's my seat.

Bart

Correction: was your seat.

Barney

But I only got up to go to the can!

Homer

Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

[about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.

Bart

Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart

What?

COOOOOOOOOL!!!

Marge

[sees Itchy and Scratchy on TV and Maggie is imitating Itchy's moves using a pencil] So television is responsible. [turns off the TV]

Lisa

Hey, we were watching that!

Bart

Mom, what are you doing?!

Marge

Well, you won't be watching these cartoons anymore. Ever!

Lisa

But Mom! If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.

Bart

Really? What kind of robots?

Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart

Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.

Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!

Today's topic will be Hell.

Ooh.

Bart

All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.

Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.

Bart

[raises his hand] Oh, Miss Albright.

Yes, Bart.

Bart

Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?

No. [Bart raises his hand] Yes, Bart.

Bart

Are there pirates in hell?

Yes. Thousands of them.

Bart

[rubs his hands] Hoo hoo, baby!

Marge

So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart

Hell.

Homer

BART!

Bart

What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?

Homer

Kid's got a point, Marge.

Bart

Hell yes!

Marge

Bart.

Bart

[sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge

Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Skinner

Sweet Lord, it is! [sees Bart's name written in huge letters in the grass with herbicide] SIMPSON!!!!!! [Bart gulps; cut to the principal's office] Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field, that you would be caught?

Bart

Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner

THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!!!

Bart

Uh-oh.

Skinner

The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident, makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. [point to the sign "In Emergency Breaks Glass"] Call your father immediately.

Bart

Hello? Is Homer there?

Homer who?

Bart

Homer... [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] ...Sexual.

Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

Homer

Don't look at me!

Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [we see Skinner holding a phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner

[insulted] You'll do what, young man?!

[taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?

Skinner

I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?

[realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.

Homer

Doh! What's he done now?

Bart

Bye, Unkie Herb.

Lisa

Goodbye, Unkie Herb.

Marge

Goodbye, Herb.

Homer

Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! [boards bus that just arrived] As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! [bus closes doors and leaves]

Marge

[consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa

His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Bart

No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa

[sarcastically while being sick] If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart

Fine, then...Wait a minute...If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge

Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart

I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa

No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer

Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.