Bart[in French] He, monsieur, aidez-moi! Ces deux gars me font travailler jour et nuit. Ils ne me donnent rein à manger. Ils me font dormir par terre. Ils mettent anti-freeze dans le vin et ont donné mon chapeau rouge à l'âne. (You gotta help me! These two guys work me night and day. They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. They put anti-freeze in the wine, and they gave my red hat to the donkey.)
FPFrench Policeman
Anti-freeze dans le vin? C'est tres sérieux. Veins avoc moi, mon graçon. Tu n'as plus rien à craindre maintenant. (Anti-freeze in the wine? That's a very serious crime. Come along, boy. You have nothing to fear now.)
Bart
Mon sauveur. Tu auras toujours une place dans mon coeur. (My savior. You will always have a place in my heart.)
[Outside the studio, Sideshow Bob is arrested by the police. Everyone else watches on, while Bart, Lisa and the other children have their arms folded in anger over what he done to Krusty]
[in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!
Bart
Take him away, boys.
[being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!
Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
Bart
[dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?
Bart
Hello, is Al there?
Bart
Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
Lemme check. [calls] Phone call for Al! Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic here?! [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute... [to the phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
[depressed] I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up.
Bart
This way to the scene of the crime, men! I got her tied up in the den.
[angrily grabs Bart] Just a minute, young man! I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your baby-sitter and pay her off so that--
RReporter
Excuse me. Are you saying to the world that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Baby-sitter Bandit?
R2Reporter 2
The Baby-sitter Bandit.
Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart
Yes, ma'am.
Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
Bart
Yes, ma'am.
Blablahblablah blahblahblablahblah?
Bart
Yes, ma'am.
Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?
Bart
Yes, ma'am.
BART! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
Bart
Yes, ma'am.
Well, then, what did I say?
Bart
Uuhhhh...."Straighten up and fly right?"
Ptch - that was a lucky guess!
Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!
Bart
Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
Bart
[to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street. [sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them]
Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!
And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.
Bart
Good morning, girls!
STSherri and Terri
Good morning, Bart.
Bart
Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Bart
And where'd they land?
Bart
And why'd they leave England?
Bart
[writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick]
[approaching Bart] As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.
Bart
Meaning....
A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
Bart
Thanks for the pep talk...
[Bart in class. Students are finishing their history tests and submit them to the teacher]
Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over.
Bart
You think you could grade it now, please?
Well, alright. Let me get "Old Red". [produces a red pen and begins marking up the test] Well, Bart, it's a 59, that's another F.
Bart
Oh, no...I can't believe it.
I know, I know, another year together, oh, it's gonna be hell. [Bart begins to cry] What's the matter, Bart? I thought you'd be used to failing by now.
Bart
[sobbing] No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean, I really tried!
[comforts Bart] There, there.
Bart
This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!
Well, a 59, it's a high F...
Bart
Who am I kidding? I really am a failure. [sobs] Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754!
[Bart is foolishly putting Dimoxinil on his face to grow a beard]
[comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!
Bart
Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]
[Homer and Bart freak out screaming]
[turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!
Bart
I love you, Dad!
D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart
It is?!
[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them]
DSDave Shutton
So, caught anything?
DSDave Shutton
What are you using for bait?
My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
DSDave Shutton
I see. What's your name, son?
Bart
I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
DSDave Shutton
[chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
Bart
Well this is my day, and we do, sir.
Bart
Hey, Dad, look! You're on Jumbo Vision!
WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]
[Jumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper]
Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!
[Crowd applauds]
[begins writing a letter] "Dear neighbor..."
[Later, Ned walks up to the Simpsons house, and was about to slide the envelope under the front door]
[from behind] FLANDERS!!!
[startled] Gah! Oh, hey. Sorry, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.
[opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering. Cut to the next morning. he, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and he's is reading Ned's letter out loud] "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [he, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]
[stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]
"Neighbors forever," Oh no! [he and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
Bart
[slapping the table] What a sap!
[wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad![Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
Bart
"Bosom." [he, Homer, and Lisa laugh]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
