Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder!

Bart

I already do that.

Bart

I am so glad I'm not your kid.

Lisa

Well I'm so glad I'm not your mom.

Bart

You should be. If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.

Lisa

Eww, eww, eww! I'll never get that image out of my head!

Bart

[to several boys at Dylan's party] Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebin'?

[scoffs] You don't know Battle Balls?

It's a Japanense card game based on a cartoon, based on an ancient religion, based on a candy bar.

It makes Digimon look like Pokémon.

Bart

What?! Impossible!

Bart

[To Ralph] How'd a pull-up like you get a great card like that?

My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.

Bart

Ralph, I'll play you for that card.

Okay, but if I win, you have to teach me how to play this game.

Bart

Deal!

Bart

You missed the turn-off, Mr. Warren.

Sideshow Bob

[in his Walt Warren disguise] You don't have to call me Mr. Warren anymore. You see, Bart, you were right all along. [He takes off Walt's shoes, revealing his huge ugly feet] I am Sideshow Bob.

Bart

Y'know, the great ones can kill without explaining.

Sideshow Bob

I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!

Bart Simpson

Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!

Sideshow Bob

It's a four-year-old book.

Bart Simpson

I'm a slow reader.

Sideshow Bob

A fitting epitaph [pause] It means last words!

Bart

Are you here to teach me, or kill me?

Homer

You never fail to nauseate me boy.

Bart

Just call me Barf Simpson.

Homer

I wanted to, but your mother said kids might tease you.

He's a [says a series of words that get bleeped out]

Bart

Fine, you can be our coach.

Lisa

Thanks. You can be the free safety.

Bart

Wrong sport.

Lisa

I mean, the point guard.

Bart

Also wrong.

Lisa

I'm gonna do a little research.

Bart

A little is not gonna be enough, honey pie.

Lisa

Don't call me "honey pie".

Bart

You got it, tootsie pop.

Lisa

[grunts]

Get a room, you two.

Lisa

We're brother and sister.

So are my parents, I think.

Lisa

Bart, this guy has walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game. Don't swing at anything.

Bart

But I'm on a hot streak!

Lisa

Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!

Bart

I wish you were a statistical illusion.

Lisa

Well, there's a 97% chance I'm not, so do what I say!

Bart Simpson

It's just a game. We're not really hurting anybody. [accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]

My non-lazy eye!

Bart

[clicks his BB gun and kicks the office door with his foot, ready to murder Santa for not getting the dirt bike from him (who was actually Krusty in the costume); serious] No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.

[busy] Close the door, boy. I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole!

Bart

[walks over to Krusty’s desk] Listen here, Kringle. I may have been naughty this year. But by today’s standards, naughty’s nothing. I didn’t get anybody pregnant. I didn’t Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!

Kid, this company’s bust! For years, I’ve been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return. It’s not a sustainable business model.

Bart

Oh, come on, man. Things aren’t that bad.

They’re pretty bad. [scooping up and eating a red-nosed reindeer snout] I’m eating my own reindeer here!

Bart

[rolls his eyes, groans] You win.

[chuckles] That's a good boy. [rubs Bart's head and gives him a candy cane] You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.

Bart

You don't have to do that. I have socks. I'll give you socks!

Thanks, kid. Now you better head home. I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents must've gotten worried. [Bart leaves the office and closes the door] Kids never change. Always dumb as potatoes.

Judge Snyder

Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary.

Homer

It's okay. It's okay. I can be out in 18 months with good behavior.

Bart

We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior.

Homer

[turn red in anger] Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior! [starts strangling Bart, then stops, turns his face normal]

Bart

All right, Comic Book Guy, tell me my origin story.

I will not relive that horror of that day! The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories on that, which I will share with you never.

Bart

I don't know. Can I really betray my country? I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day.

You pledge allegiance to the flag. And the flag is made in China.

Bart

I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head, hair! Where's the border?!

Lisa

Oh, my God! Me too!

Bart

What are we?!