Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Seymour, Gary.

Skinner

Simpson, I know you're behind this! Well, you are going to get some counciling from our school psychologist!

[running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!

Chalmers

Or, from a qualified professional.

Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!

Bart

Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!

[Voice becomes deeper] I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!

Lisa

What if we're not here?

We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. [Normal Voice] It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.

Bart

What's that comin' out of the safe?

Homer

I don't know--Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.

Lisa

Dad, that's ridiculous!

Homer

What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit--[As it burns from the flames and begins melting]--I'd...have...to...[Melts into a plastic puddle]

Marge

[Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes] Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.

Lisa

I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.

Marge

[Becoming delighted upon the idea] Restage the photos!

Bart

Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!

Bart

Nooooooo!

Chief Wiggum

Jump! Who said that?

Bart

I hate Bart Simpson!

You stink, LaBoot!

Dammit!

Homer

Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.

Bart

Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?

Homer

Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

Homer

[monotonous] Zombie kill!

Bart

Not kill, play!

Homer

[sullen] Zombie file grievance.

Good work, Lisa!

Bart

What about me?!

[cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]

Marge

Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!

Bart

DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!

Lisa

Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.

Homer

[Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!

Lisa

You're going to the dentist too, Dad.

Homer

[disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]

Bart

So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]

Bart

Dad, you were great!

Lisa

And you contributed to our culture!

Homer

[worried] Well, I didn't mean to.

Lisa

No, no, it's a good thing.

Homer

Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.

Lisa

The dance isn't 'til next week.

Homer

Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Lisa

There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.

Marge

Oh, I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.

Bart

Aw, come on, Mom. We’ll help you surf.

Bart

Click that one, Mom.

Lisa

No, go up.

Bart

Keep going--up, up, up!

Lisa

The blue ones are ads.

Bart

That’s the toolbar.

Lisa

No you’ve opened Word; close it!

Bart

Close it. Do-don’t save it!

Lisa

Stop clicking.

Bart

Don’t go there!

Lisa

Why are you buying a freezer?!

Bart

Don’t click the cart or you’ve bought it!

Lisa

Aw, you clicked the cart!

Marge

[Upset] If you’re so smart, you do it!

Marge

[Groans]

Marge

Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.

Bart

Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.

Homer

Oh, my God multiple parking tickets, handicapped spot, parked by a hydrant, incomprehensible vanity plate. If my life as a tow truck driver was a teleplay, this would be the end of act 2.

I thought I told you to stay off my turf.

Homer

What? I'm still in Springfield. Wha...?! Okay, I made a mistake. Why don't you give me two demerit points in a point system we work out right now? Put me down, you lousy-- Okay, I'm warning you--I'll kill you, you son of a...--All right buddy, that's it, I've had-- You... let go! All right, Just... let... go. Oh, a trap door. What's down there? Your Meatball collection?

Goodbye

Homer

I thought we were friends! I was kidding you in a friendly fashion!

Bart

Milhouse, what are you doing here? I thought you had a three-0-clock wedgie with Nelson.

I had to reschedule.

Bart Simpson

Alan Moore, you wrote my favourite issues of Radioactive Man!

Oh really? So you liked that I made your favourite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?

Bart

I don't read the words, I just like when he punches people. How do you make his costume stick so close to his muscles?

[groans]

Mr. Moore, will you sign my DVD of Watchmen Babies? Which of the babies is your favourite?

[furiously] You see what those bloody corporations do?! They take your ideas and they suck them! Suck them like leeches until they've gotten every last drop of the marrow from your bones!

Hey teacup, why don't you chill out?

[sighs] Very well. [starts reading a Little Lulu book and laughs] "Oh Little Lulu, I love you-lu just the same..." [sighs happily]

Marge

That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Bart

There are no tables or chairs.

Homer

More ribs for me!

Lisa

And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer

[uneasy] More ribs for me?

Hello, Simpsons! [laughs evilly]

Homer

Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!

[Sideshow Bob's actual voice] Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.

Lisa

That voice...[groans] I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!

Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]

AH! Sideshow Bob!