Bart Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Well, Dad, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff. [gives the box of smokes to Homer]

Homer

Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.

Bart

Three.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]

Bart

Guard! Guard!

Homer

Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!

Bart

Yeah, mom says a lot of things.

Homer

Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.

Homer

I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.

I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.

Homer

[Nervous] Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?

OH Yea.

Homer

Okay.. uh.. this is your second cousin, Stanley!

Um.. I shoot birds at the airport.

Homer

[More nervous] Everybody hates birds.. right? [Frantically looks for a successful relative. He spots a dapper looking fellow smoking a cigar.] Wehh, you look pretty successful!

Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.

Bart

You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer

What about you?

Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

I beg celebrities for money!

I'm a prison snitch.

Jug band manager.

My legs hurt!

Lisa

What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?

Bart

Me. I smell a museum.

Homer

Yeah, good things don't end with -eum, they end with -mania, or –teria. Will there be beer?

I found a moon rock in my nose.

Bart

Houston, we have a booger.

Bart

Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart

Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Yes.

Bart

Whoa, mama, the electric chair! [sniffs] Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.

Smells like hot dogs.

Homer

See you in a week.

Lisa

Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer

Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart

Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer

No.

Bart

But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer

Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?

Bart

Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?

No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.

Marge

What on Earth possessed you to getting an earring?

Bart

Milhouse has one.

Marge

If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--

Bart

Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!

Homer

Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.

Bart

Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?

Homer

Well, when I was 10 I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!

Bart

Fine, take it.

Homer

Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!

Marge

Homer, you know we don't have--

Homer

Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts![hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch]Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge

Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer

Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Bart

Cool!

Lisa

Hmm, thank you Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People". Now,turning to...

Bart

I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.

Lisa

That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.

Bart

But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?

Lisa

Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.

Bart

Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!

Lisa

[through clenched teeth] They have two!

Bart

Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.

Homer

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?

Bart

Dealing drugs?

Lisa

Drugs?

Marge

I'll have to say drugs too.

Homer

Close, but you're way off.

Homer

Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.

Lisa

That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.

Bart

Some of it is.

Marge

That's what I call 'breakneck' speed!

Bart

[poker-faced] Mom, a man just died.