Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

I'm really worried about Lurleen.

Homer

Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she cut the word "pop" out of all our foods.

Bart

You'd think living in a house of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Bart

So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?

Homer

That's right.

Bart

But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".

Homer

Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

Homer

[turns red in anger] You stupid kid! What if I walked in here barefoot?

Bart

You did, Dad.

Lisa

[off-screen] Happy birthday, Mom.

Marge

[groans sadly] Thank you, dear.

Homer

I don't even want your pie!

Mona

But you already ate the whole thing.

Homer

Well, I'm not going to digest it!

Homer

Five dollars!

Mr. Burns

Five hundred.

Homer

Five dollars, cash.

Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice--

Bart

Dad!

Homer

Five hundred-one!

Mr. Burns

Ten million.

Homer

Objection, Your Honor!

Marge

Bail is set at $25,000.

Homer

[scoffs] I make that in a year.

Homer

So how about a little stakeout music.

Ned

Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.

Homer

Well I like :AC/DC.

Ned

I like their Christian cover band :AD/BC. [Starts Singing]:Kindly deeds done for free.

Homer

And you have to promise me no "diddlies" or "doodlies."

Ned

Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

You just cost me $200,000!

Bart

I thought it was 50.

Homer

I was gonna bet it on the dogs!

Homer

[angrily strangles Simon, who is impersonating Bart, while the real Bart, impersonating Simon, is in the Woosterfield limousine] You ruined everything!

Bart

Driver, laugh at those people for me.

Chester

My pleasure, sir. [False laughing]

Simon

Why are these noodles orange?

Marge

I made it with Cheetos, just like you like it. If the sauce is too thick, I can add more root beer.

Simon

Maybe I'm just not hungry.

Homer

Human garbage can to the rescue! [he eats Simon's noodles, then he talks with mouthful] So at work today, we got a memo saying everyone's getting new chairs.

Simon

Father, could you...

Homer

[mouthful] Talk louder? You bet! Naturally I threw my old chair in the Dumpster right away! But then Lenny said, "No. That was the new chair. That memo was two months old." So now I'm sitting on an orange crate. I never felt so...

Simon

[very angry] Will you stop spitting food on me?

Homer

Huh?

Simon

Keep your meal in your mouth, you semi-literate spew monkey!

Homer

[angrily] That's it, boy! You're going to bed without supper!

Homer

Hey, is there something different about the kitchen?

No, no, no. [Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word "No"]

Homer

Well, the toaster's never lied to me before.

Krusty

[on phone] Entertain the troops? No way! What have they ever done for me?

Homer

[approaching him] Krusty, you made my daughter cry.

Krusty

Hey, my intellectual property rights were being infringed. Do you know how that feels? Do you? Huh? Do you?

Homer

[walks into Krusty has been killed, pick up his heart] One, two, three. One, two, three. Oh! It's no use. [closes Krusty's eyes]

Homer

Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!

Bart

Yes, sir. [Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots] I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!

Homer

Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

Homer

I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.

I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.

Homer

Fine! I won't look you in the eye!

Homer

Got it?

[muffled with money in his mouth] I got it.