Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.

Homer

Y'know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.

Homer

Praise to Oliver!

That's Allah.

Homer

We'll look it up in the Corona.

[holding up Bart's sling shot] Bart forgot this, sir.

Homer

"Sir?" That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!

Lisa

Dad, all the bees are dying.

Homer

Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?

Lisa

But without bees there would be no flowers.

Homer

[scoffs] Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

Lisa

Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?

Marge

Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.

Bart

We could be murderers.

Homer

Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

Bart

Nice doorbell. Is it computerized?

Homer

Hey, that was... [hits Bart]

Bart

Ow!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

Well, we... I... You come up with an excuse! [hits Bart again]

Bart

Ow!

Bart

[after the women in book club are dying] Oh my God, Oh my God, we're totally liable! [notices the only woman you have left and began canoodling and making out]

Homer

Ohhhhh...yes. [but realizes the dream was so gross and unreliable] I mean... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [camera zooms back out to see if Marge and the women in book club are safe]

Ned

This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.

Bart

She is. Look.

Homer

Goodbye.

Homer

[getting up] D'oh!

Homer

C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.

[indignantly] I'm married to Jesus!

Homer

Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to Wonder Woman!

Homer

Don't eat so fast! [talking to his hand that's pretending to be Maggie]

No! Me so hungry!

So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?

So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?

Homer

I can't tell if those are questions or statements.

So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?

Bart

This one's a little gay, isn't it?

Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.

Homer

Ew. How'd you check?

Bart

So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa

You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Marge

It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.

Lisa

[to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!

Bart

Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]

Lisa

That's the angry one!

Bart

[chokingly] Uh-huh!

Principal Skinner

[to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.

Homer

[with letter "Y" in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Marge

But that makes no sense.

Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.

Homer

Shut up!

These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Homer

Whatever happened to "Boo"?