Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!

Homer

Now who was it with?

Bart

Uh...Apu.

Homer

Right!

Marge

I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.

Homer

Marge, that was a joke.

Marge

But it comes from a true place...

Lisa

Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!

Homer

Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!

Lisa

And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!

Bart

The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Homer

[mockingly] Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? [High-fives Bart.]

Homer

If you haven't sprung from or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!

Homer

You too, Fred Thompson!

But I was in Die Hard.

Homer

[scoffs] Die Hard Two!

Marge

We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!

Homer

I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!

Lisa

Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

Bart

Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.

Marge

Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.

Homer

Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.

Homer

Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.

Bart

The 90s? Never heard of it.

Homer

You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...

Marge

I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.

Homer

I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity rolemodels. [points out of the window at a sign saying "Sonic the Hedgehog says: Wait until marriage"]

Homer

You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?

Marge

I did tell you.

Homer

I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.

Marge

Did you know that every U.S. President has been a straight white man?

Homer

Even Walt Disney?

Homer

At least we know there'll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a President can commit!

Marge

There will never be a worse President. Never.

Homer

Never.

Marge

Homer, where are you going?

Homer

Work.

Marge

It's 4 o'clock on a Saturday.

Homer

I, uh, have to... count the atoms at the nuclear plant. Conservation of mass! It's the law!

Homer

Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.

Bart

You have a drinking problem?

Homer

I said secret.

Homer

I can't believe you were smoking! Do you know that sturgeon general says you're not supposed to?

Lisa

A sturgeon is a fish.

Homer

And a very wise fish he is.

Homer

Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Marge

No suicide axe!

Homer

[loud whisper to Bart] Later.