Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!
I don't like the sound of that "class 3".
And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. [At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net]
[laughs] Perfect form sir.
Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?
HomerI dunno. Internet?
[Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results]
VVoice
For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer
Animotion.
VVoice
Animotion: up one and one eighth.
Homer
Yahoo!
VVoice
Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.
Homer
Huh, what is this crap?
VVoice
Fox Broadcasting: down eight.
[Homer grins smugly]
Homer
So you all hate me?
That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.
Not to mention driving to.
And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.
Homer
Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.
[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?
[The bar patrons laugh]
Homer
Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.
Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.
Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]
[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]
I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.
Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!
Homer
Come on, you're here to make friends.
Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.
Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners!
Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!
[Cut to Moe, Carl and Lenny throwing Comic Book Guy out the front door]
And stay out! [they go back inside]
Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"? [checks book] Ah, yes: Gar-dacchk!
That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Homer
Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
[nervous laughing] Well... [Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard]
[Shows a car outside where two writers are typing]
W1Writer 1
Come on hurry up. [Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note] I guess you could say it's my racket.
I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer
[gasps] [threatening tone] Get off my property.
Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.
Homer
[Suspicious] Will this erase my memory?
[Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses]
[sipping the beer]. Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!
[Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally]
[Nighttime, day 9 of his hunger strike, an emaciated Homer sits in his chair and weakly waves his sign as the crowd cheers the game.]
Homer
Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares!
[Homer spots a stray pretzel not too far from him. Desperately, he falls to his hands and knees and crawls toward the pretzel, only to stop when it gets stepped on by the foot of a ghostly figure.]
Homer
Who are you?
SCSpirit of César Chávez
The spirit of César Chávez.
Homer
Why do you look like César Romero?
SCSpirit of César Chávez
Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
Homer
Why are you here?
SCSpirit of César Chávez
To tell you not to give up.
Homer
Oh, but I wanna!
[From the main office, Howard K. Duff and his assistants watch Homer talking to thin air.]
A1Assistant 1
He's talking to himself, sir.
A2Assistant 2
And his smell is distracting the center fielder.
Hmm, yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.
[The next morning, Homer is snoring when Duff's assistants unchain him and grab his arms]
A1Assistant 1
Okay, skinny, on your feet.
Homer
Huh? What's happening? Did I crush your evil plan?
No, you're being replaced.
[The crowd boos as Homer is escorted away.]
AAnnouncer
And now, taking over for Hungry, Hungry Homer, let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!
[The eponymous Pete cheerfully walks onto the field and holds up a bucket of blue paint before downing it. As he falls to the ground, choking and spasming, the crowd cheers]
[The day after Homer has been moved to the stadium, a game is played while Homer runs from side to side, waving his sign 'Hungry For The Truth!'.]
AAnnouncer
Folks, it's time to meet a real super-fan: Hungry, Hungry Homer! He's on a hunger strike 'til the 'Topes win the pennant!
[The crowd cheers.]
Homer
What? No! That's not the reason! They're moving the team to Albuquerque!
AAnnouncer
That's right, folks, go, 'Topes!
[The crowd cheers again. Homer slumps into his chair.]
Homer
Oh, all this hunger for nothing!
VVendor
Get your Duck!! Fresh, crispy Peking Duck!
Hey, duck man! Over here!
[Vendor throws Otto a duck]
[eating] Mmmm. [almost orgasmically] Mmmmmm!
[Homer suddenly picks up every sound the crowd makes while eating their snacks.]
Homer
Do they have to chew so loud?!
Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.
Homer
Oh, me so hungy.
Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?
Homer
[Smells the hot dog]. Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! [The crowd gasps]. Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... [Grabs the microphone]. Albuquerque!
[The crowd gasps even more.]
Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes
Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!
[Everyone starts getting angry at Howard.]
Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.
Homer
Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!
CCrowd
Tell the truth! Tell the truth!
[Duffman proceeds to get Homer out of the fields.]
Homer
Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.
[Duffman repeatedly turns to Howard and Homer].
New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
