Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

Homer

That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Marge

[After scenes are shown from the first pilot] Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.

Homer

Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.

Homer

Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!

Bart

Cowabunga, dude!

And cut!

Bart

Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life! Your script sucks!

Homer

[turns his face red in anger] Why you little...! [starts strangling Bart]

Hey, that's funny!

Homer

And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

Homer

Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!

[reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.

Homer

Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!

No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer

Well, I'll be damned.

I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell & the sees the Devil standing behind him]

Homer

I am Homer Simpson--

Devil

Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!

Homer

[as the Devil advances on him] Oh no...! [Devil starts giving Homer a noogie]

Devil

Ha-ha! [continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain] Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.

[appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.

[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say!

Carl

He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

[surprised] What?

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa

Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

[gasps] That was you?

Homer

It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.

Homer

Area code? But it's a local call!

Marge

The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.

Homer

9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!

Marge

Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.

Homer

Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.

Kent Brockman

[about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer

Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart

You come here a minute!

Homer

Oh yeah?

Marge

Homer, what are you doing?

Homer

Listen, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?

Marge

Well, like all Americans, fast, but--

Bart

[lights the fuse] Clear!

Marge

You can't argue with results!

Homer

Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!

Marge

Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.

Homer

Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. [to God] So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? [family stares at him in shock] Amen. [starts eating]

Homer

[As he's running from the mob shooting at him] Hey, I said I was sorry.

Well, in that case we'll stop. What a class act and nice guy. [They stop shooting]

Homer

Sorry, you are such jerks.

Marge

Oh no! My baby's up there!

Lisa

It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!

Homer

[to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!

This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.

Homer

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

Lisa

Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]

Homer

Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!

Marge

We don't have a stash.

Homer

[shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

Marge

When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer

I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Chief Wiggum

If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.

Chief Wiggum

You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. [van symbol is shown] A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Homer

Hey!

Chief Wiggum

While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!

Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.

Homer

Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.

No.

Homer

Not even a little one?

No!

Homer

What if I just whisper it?

No, I tells ya!