Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert

Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.

Lisa

I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.

Bart

But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Lisa

Yeah, Dad was right.

Homer

I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Krusty the Clown

Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. BAGGY!

Homer

Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

Krusty the Clown

Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

Homer

[takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Ned

Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?

Homer

I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.

Ned

Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use-- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and-- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]

Homer

What keeps doing that? [to a limo]

Fat Tony

I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab him.

Homer

But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!

Fat Tony

The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer

Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!

The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer

Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

Homer

Benedict Arnold!

The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [making noises and faces at the marine, who punched in his face] Ow!

No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!

Homer

Burkino Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?

Quiet, it might be you, I can't remember.

Homer

No, I'm gonna ask Marge.

No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Homer

[after writing a check] Ohhhh...

Bart

Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer

That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart

Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.

Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.

Homer

Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!

Bart

I get it, Dad.

Homer

Australia! America!

Marge

Homer, that's enough.

Homer

Australia! America!

Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

Homer

Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]

Something wrong, Yank?

Homer

[disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.

Marge

I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Beer it is.

Marge

No, I said coffee.

Beer?

Marge

Cof-fee.

[still not understanding] Be-ear?

Marge

C-O...

B-E...

Marge

Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?

Homer

I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.

Patty

He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.

Homer

[gasps] You told!

Homer

Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.

Lisa

Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?

Homer

Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.

Lisa

Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.

Homer

Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.

Bart

Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.

Homer

[enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.

Hello.

Bart

Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.

Bart

Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet. And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle.

Homer

"Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]