Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Mom, you've been cooking all night?

Marge

[in a happy tone] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you are!

Lisa

See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems.

Marge

No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right. Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't make waves..." [walks out]

Homer

You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.

Lisa

Mom, can we talk to you?

Marge

Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

Lisa

Uh, neat. Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.

Marge

I don't need therapy, I'm fine; and it's too expensive.

Homer

And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist 10 bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Lisa

Dad, Mom's getting worse. You need to get her to a real psychiatrist; look how tense she is.

Homer

She's fine. [realises Marge is sitting down with no sofa under her] Oh.

Homer

[sarcastically] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.

Lisa

Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.

Homer

Well, keep it up, then.

Lisa

[sarcastically] Okay, I will.

Homer

Good. You do that.

Lisa

Fine.

Homer

You'll be picking many a bean.

Lisa

Hope I do.

Homer

[to Marge] Did you talk about me in therapy today?

Marge

I don't think so.

Homer

Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice. [laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family...

Homer

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is, and it's me.

Marge

You're not a god, Homer.

Lisa

Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.

Homer

So?

Lisa

Beware the Ides of March.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.

Homer

Everything lasts forever.

Lisa

Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.

Homer

Remove the girl.

Lisa

Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now, there are no lackeys to carry out your-- [Bart takes away Lisa, then salutes Homer]

[singing] Who controls the British Crown?

Carl

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?

Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, we do

Who holds back the electric car?

Principal Skinner

Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Homer

Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do... we do!

Number One

This ritual is called Crossing the Desert. [leads Homer in front of a line of members with paddles]

Homer

[being spanked as he walks by] Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Number One

And this is we call the Unblinking Eye. [leads Homer again]

Homer

[being spanked again] Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [on the other side of the line] Hey, have ya ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye? It's exactly like The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Number One

And now the final ordeal: The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... with paddles. [leads Homer a third time]

Homer

Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

Marge

[walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.

Homer

Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Marge

Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.

Homer

Black panthers?

Marge

No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings.

Yeah!

Marge

I meant our wedding rings!

Number One

Remove the Stone of Shame!

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Number One

Attach the Stone of Triumph!

Homer

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

Mr. Burns

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Carl

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Homer

Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum

[driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer

[thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.

Homer

[still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

Homer

[confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Homer

[barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]

Maude

By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer

New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [yanks out his few remaining hairs] NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Homer

Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

Marge

Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer

Yeah!

Bart

Okay, but I know funny.

Homer

Of course!

Homer

Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Lisa

[in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

Marge

That's what really happened.

Lisa

Oh.