Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Hey, Dad, look! You're on Jumbo Vision!

Homer

WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]

[Jumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper]

Homer. Homer! XYZ.

Homer

Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!

[Crowd applauds]

S2 Dancin' Homer

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Homer

All right, knock it off!

Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer

You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt... [Ned gasps] is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.

Homer

I wouldn't stay on a bet! [walks out but gets back to pick up a club sandwich that Maude prepared] One for the road! [eats on the way out]

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[begins writing a letter] "Dear neighbor..."

[Later, Ned walks up to the Simpsons house, and was about to slide the envelope under the front door]

Homer

[from behind] FLANDERS!!!

[startled] Gah! Oh, hey. Sorry, Homer. I just wanted to give you this letter. I'll leave now.

Homer

[opens the letter Ned handed him and starts reading it] "Dear neighbor..." [starts snickering. Cut to the next morning. he, Bart, Lisa, and Marge are seated around the breakfast table in the kitchen, and he's is reading Ned's letter out loud] "You are my brother." [laughs, Bart and Lisa snicker] "I love you." [he, Bart, and Lisa all laugh out loud, while Marge frowns disapprovingly] "And yet, I feel a great sadness..." [snickers] "...in my bosom." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh even harder] "Bosom..." Wait, wait, there's more! [continues laughing]

[stands up] I think that's terrible! A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him! [exits the room and quietly snickers to herself, then walks back in just as Homer continues reading the letter]

Homer

"Neighbors forever," Oh no! [he and Bart laugh] "Ned Flanders." [he, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

[slapping the table] What a sap!

[wiping away a tear] Read the bosom part again, dad![Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Now, just a minute!

"Bosom." [he, Homer, and Lisa laugh]

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Dad, I've never won anything in my life.

Homer

Son, this is the only time I will ever say this. [angrily] It is not okay to lose.

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Homer

Come on Bart. Remember what Vince Lombardi said! If you lose, and you're out of the family.

Homer! [hits Homer in the head]

Homer

Ow!

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[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion]

Homer

[angrily turns red] Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Hey, man! She took my glue!

It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!

Homer

Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

[hands Bart glue] Here.

Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike]

[Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]

S2 Bart vs. Thanksgiving

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[After Bart deliberately burns her centerpiece, Lisa runs upstairs to her room, crying]

Homer

[sets Bart down; very stern and serious] Alright, Bart, that's it! Go to your room, now!

Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go, and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

Homer

[losing patience] I said NOW!

Mom, do I have to?

[angrily confronts Bart] Yes, you do! I hope you're happy, Bart! You've RUINED Thanksgiving!

S2 Bart vs. Thanksgiving

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Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Oh, come on.

Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?

I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Just tell me you're sorry!

Why should I?!

Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Leave me alone.

Just look!

Okay, okay. [closes his eyes] Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr- [He suddenly opens his eyes in realization] Uh-oh. [puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.

Apology accepted. [kisses his cheek]

[Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]

Homer

You know, Marge, we're great parents. [cut to the kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35 PM] Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.

SFSimpson Family

[in unison] Amen.

[Simpsons eat leftovers]

S2 Bart vs. Thanksgiving

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[Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching TV]

MMilhouse

Hey, that's my seat.

Correction: was your seat.

[Cut to Moe's Tavern]

Barney

But I only got up to go to the can!

Homer

Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

S2 Bart the Daredevil

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LLenny

Hey, Simpson. I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

Homer

If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...

SSmithers

Simpson!

Homer

Aah!

SSmithers

Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!

Homer

Uh-oh.

S2 Bart Gets Hit by a Car

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[While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement]

Homer

I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million! $500,000, I spit at his $500,000! [attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. He tries to clean off the chair]

[losing her patience with Homer's behavior] Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!

Mr. Burns

[realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!

Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

Mr. Burns

[reappearing on the scene with Smithers, and gets the check to tear it up] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds!

[The hounds chased Homer and Marge out of the mansion]

S2 Bart Gets Hit by a Car

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[At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand]

BBailiff

Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Mmm...Yes, I do.

Hutz

She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer

[cringes] D'oh, the truth.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

[walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!